“My Dreams Were Unsettling… More Along the Line of Trying to Make Me Stumble”

6-12-2011 Journal Entry

My dreams were again unsettling, though this time they seem to be more along the line of trying to make me stumble.
Chaplain Tarrab gave an active and energetic sermon on hungering for Jesus in our life in this environment, more than we want things that will harm us. I found it very good and feel that he is doing a great job as a prison Chaplain, taking the time to understand the feelings and issues of inmates.
I finished “Pure Before Thee” and found it an excellent book and I intend to read it again before Dad visits next month.
I added this quote to my “pocket pad” ( I am not sure if I’ve mentioned this before. I have a homemade notebook I carry around with me. it contains some blank pages on which I write journal notes, some lined pages on which I write more long term notes, a calendar, the picture of my family…and on the inside cover I have written quotes that jump out at me so I can read them frequently, which I try to do).
– “To receive God’s forgiveness you must first hold no grudge or hate for anyone else: (Pray for those who despise or seek to do you harm)”.
– “If you want God to answer your prayers, make sure your motives are Godly (Do you ask to be released because you are lonely or do you seek Gods will only for your life?)”
– “Be joyful always: Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances for this is Gods will for you (1 Thess 5:16-18)”
– “It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, but to open a path.”
– “Submit therefore to God. Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:7-8)”
– “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7)”
– “I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I have been set apart and made holy in the Lamb. There is a call on my life and God is going to use me.”
– “To learn and not to do is not to learn. To know and not to do is not to know”
– “Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny”

6-13-11 Journal Entry

I woke up late this morning as Chaplain would not be in so, no work. I read a great deal from “Mere Christianity”. Chappy came in at 3:00 and called us to work then.
I worked on study for 1st Corinthians…already finding much nuttiness in William MacDonald’s ideas. He suggests that Paul’s comment that he “[Gives] thanks to God that [he] baptized none of [them]…” is proof that baptism is not required for salvation as, if it were, he would be thanking God that he (Paul) had not saved anyone…Wow! What a leap of [ill] logic! And that is just 1 of many outlandish leaps.
I read an Ensign April 2011 talk: “Holy Temple-A Beacon to the World” and as I do whenever I think a lot about the temple, my urge/desire to go back is so strong that I often have to fight back tears…I so long to restore my temple blessings, to repair my family sealing, to try to bring back to the church all of them….Yes, even Grace. Which leads me to wonder, (and I am sure this is not the first, nor the last time I’ve wondered, if I re-marry in the temple and then Grace returns to the Church, are we still sealed?…which in a spiritual sense means are we still married? If that is the case, then if she remarries,would that not constitute spiritual adultery? And if, on the other hand, she severed our sealing, would that mean I lose my kids?
I also read the talk: “Eternal Blessings of Marriage” which really put into perspective just how much I’ve fouled up everyone’s lives. (VERY sad face)
My workout group is getting larger. There are now 6 of us that regularly work out. All of us are sex offenders (that is, first time offenders). Of course, mine is still the longest sentence, but on my emotional roller-coaster I am feeling good that God has a plan for me and that this long sentence is meant for good. Perhaps it is to ensure my growth. Maybe it’s actually to facilitate needed growth in someone who was otherwise being enabled by me. Maybe my time here will allow the conditions for Sunday, Monday or even Grace to see or learn something and then, when that lesson is learned, it will be them who come to my aid?
LDS Callout was positive. All three of us were there. We have started a habit of singing songs we do not know (thanks to our wonderful CD’s) and so, we sang “Lead Kindly Light” which I really enjoyed. I don’t recall which other unknown hymn we sang though.

6-14-11 Journal Entry

I didn’t make it in to work till after lunch. I was awake but the chaplains were running around too much to call us in. Dranab is waxing my floor so I have no work to do. So I read more of “Mere Christianity” and then several talks from the Conference Ensign…They really seem to speak to me…I wish I could sit down and read them with someone I love so that we can have frank conversations about them.
In “The Miracle of the Atonement” Pg. 108…I am surprised at the similarity with his brother and myself…and though it is clear he didn’t sink to my depths, his return to good standing gives me much strength in God’s forgiveness for even the worst of us.
At non-denominational callout, Hercome brought the wrong power point for his presentation; however, he did have the correct print-out and images on the CD. So in the 15 minutes or so of time I had to prepare, I rebuilt his presentation for him. It was pretty rewarding to see the surprise on his face when I told him he would have his slide show after all. I am told that after the meeting he was very complimentary in his praise to any and all he talked to.
I worked some on my 7 Habits homework. The vocabulary is very time consuming. Prima stopped to chat with me about my orientation meeting on Thursday for the JC’s. He asked if I had a sex case and informed me that as such, I can’t work the visitation room (this I already knew). He also told me that, as a result of Chaplain Barrett’s glowing recommendation—as well as my apparent good standing with other inmates, they have voted to wave or subsidize (or whatever) my annual $30 dues…cool!

6-15-2011 Journal Entry

Chaplain is not in today so I have no work today (at least not until tonight). As such, I didn’t take my shower until noon dayroom. On a wild hare, I shaved my face, beard and mustache. Hmmm, not sure if I like it.
Canteen today and I bought something unusual. I spent $3 on a bag of frosted mini (shredded) wheat as a snack food. I have a small 8oz cup that I plan to limit myself to one filled an evening. I don’t know how healthy they are for me, but I suspect they are a far cry better (and more expensive) than roman noodles. If it turns out to last a week or more as I hope, I might make it a continued thing. Though I have very little money to spend, my only other expenses are hygiene, stamps and coffee (yes, I still drink coffee…it calms me). Mom is saving money for me, and that is so nice of her, but I know that that will have its uses later on (like if my TV dies or they allow Kindles or Laptops or something) so I don’t want to touch that money.
I read the Ensign (June ’11) article (pg. 20) that really touched me to the core “The Prison and the Dandelion”…in it the author talks about a very difficult mission that was negatively affecting him until a dandelion growing from a crack in the sidewalk showed him how to “Bloom Where Your Planted”. Good advice that…Huh?
I finished my Seven Habits homework since it’s due today. It appears I’m still needing to overcome my procrastination issues.
Class today, as normal, digressed rather quickly as the inmate criminal mindset of “dependency” attempted to defend itself by trying to micro-define what exactly dependency is. Given that our instructor makes no attempt to control things, we didn’t progress far past that.
I came back from chow to find that my mail was sitting (for anyone to take) on the “Bung Hole” (what we call the lockable trap door in our cell doors that is to feed us in a lock-down situation. This is normally locked, but they leave them open right now due to the heat. I suppose it allows more air flow through the building. Anyway, leaving peoples mail on this ledge is extremely dangerous as anyone can pick it up and no one would even know they are missing their mail! Imagine if there was something sensitive in the mail. That could be deadly. Anyway, I was so put off by this that I walked over to the guard (whom I’ve never seen before) and told him, in a parental way how potentially dangerous it was and he shouldn’t do it again. He sort of blinked a few times and said: “Yes, um, sorry…: *Chuckle*
I got a letter from Mom & Dad! Yay! That’s two letters in a row from Dad. I am so pleased. I need to hurry up and reply to them. Huh? This time dad used a very hard to read cursive font…then made it so small! Boy did I have to work to read that. But I suppose it’s no harder than reading my printing when I get sloppy.

6-16-2011 Journal Entry

I woke up this morning with a profound sadness for Grace. It wasn’t my normal longing sadness…it was the understanding that with me as her demon, she can never realize her own errors…because no matter what bad happens to her, she will see it being my fault…and all good will be in spite of me. And, no one who is sane will allow themselves to get close enough to help her (even if she would allow them to try) and anyone who can stand to be near her must needs be equally as damaged as she is. I think I was the one that was meant to help her, and boy did I fail her! But there is something to be said for my deep seated need to love that woman. I am not dependent on her…it was I who was moving forward in ‘2000. I simply love her. I think God meant it that way… I wonder if I will feel the need to love her and help her when I get out. Note to self: be sure to ask yourself when you get out what you think on this topic.
In Character First, someone mentioned the war and 91, and the Muslims in the class got all huffy. Now, mind you, no one said anything about Muslims…or Islam…but one of them still accused us of talking bad on Islam because that’s what we meant by “them”. Bleh! And again, Islam wins because normal people (even normal inmates) can’t muster the same level of potential blind, irrational, hate filled violence.
John (Other—my cellie) got his level today. In celebration he bought both of us stew off the commissary…nice of him. Though now I know I don’t want to buy that stew myself. Very salty…it reminded me of the stew we got from Deseret Industries way back in the 1980’s…not very palatable, but will most likely last forever.

“I Am Not Feeling Sorry for Myself—I Made My Bed, Now I Have to Sleep In It”

6-9-2011 Letter to Mom

Hi Mom! sorry I am slacking on my letter writing…hmm, Do I start any letter these days without apologizing?
Thank you so much for your visit! I so enjoy our time together and am so very grateful that you take the time and come visit. I know you will try to down play it but you can’t truly understand what a great miracle it is for me to have your support in a situation like this. A lot of men get letters and even phone calls, but actual visits…well family just doesn’t have time. I know the visitation room always seems packed, but most of the people are the same each time. The vast majority never have visits. So it is a true blessing you bring me.
I really enjoyed my little brothers visit too. I am relieved that there were no uncomfortable feelings. I had worried so much, but it was love and ease from the first moment. I looked into visitation times and until Jan ’12, M-2 on Saturday is the “early shift”, so he should be able to visit.

{From Mom’s Letter re: “The Mother’s Day card you sent was very impressive and touched my heart to the center.” (I thought that I had failed to thank my son for the card so I continued)“ I am so sorry to have hurt your feelings, please forgive me. Until I hear you say that you forgive me for my unintentional thoughtlessness, I don’t know if I will be able to forgive myself.”}

By the way (and please don’t take this as criticism, it’s just a gentle nudge) I am re-reading your plea for forgiveness about the Mothers Day card oops and how you tell me you cannot forgive yourself until you hear me forgive you (of course I’ve already told you I forgive you!) There should never be any doubt that I forgive, quickly and fully. It’s how I am.
I read the following quote that made me realize something. “I will not ask another for forgiveness…(there is no Biblical model for such in the New Testament). My part is confession and affirmation of repentance. If the other [party] perceives this as genuine, forgiveness is given and received as a gift. If I ask for it, it is received as blackmail since [for them] to refuse, post pone, or to say “I’m not ready yet” is to appear to be unforgiving.” (Augsburger:”Caring Enough”) I realized just how often people demand (and without even thinking about it) forgiveness. Placing the burden on the harmed…I’ve really taken that to heart…and thought you might find it an interesting thought.
As a result, I am not asking forgiveness from anyone but God himself. For all my other mistakes I have sought only to let them know how sorry I am and leave it at that. They will forgive—or not—in their own time, but I know that if/when they do, it will be honestly given.

{From Mom’s Letter regarding Worthless life: “Now to your letter dated 5-20 that I received yesterday 5-26. I must say that I disagree with your assessment that your current life is useless. I understand that in the context of your not being able to support your family in the manner that you were, or that you are not able to further your talents in the computer field or in many other endeavors. But your current life is never worthless—just the path is changed for right now. I believe that you are back in school right now and look at what you are learning. I wonder if the spirit prison isn’t very similar to what you’re experiencing right now.
Last year I wrote you a letter wherein I related an impression that came to me which had to do with the path that you were on in life—that had you passed away unexpectedly, you would have landed in the spirit prison with no opportunity to have repented of your sins against humanity. Do you remember me saying that your situation would have been so much the worse but very much the same as it is right now, with a few important exceptions. You would not have your family there either, but that would be for eternity. You would be associating with people very much like the people you are associating with now, but with no hope to ever be able to rise to a more spiritual degree in your progression. You could never have hoped to obtain anything higher than the telestial (or lowest kingdom of glory) in your judgment because you would not have had the ability to repent. And yours would have been a more serious case because you had the Church and you took yourself out of it (granted, only Father knows how much you knew of its truthfulness). And your life would have been eternally miserable because you are an immortal being and you couldn’t just look forward to dying and being relieved of your agony. Do you understand what I am saying? Do you see the amazing blessing that you have been given? You yourself admit that you deserve to be where you are because of your sins. And as horrible as it is for now, it is not forever (though it may seem like it some days). You will be free someday.
In the meantime, you have been given an incredible opportunity to have oodles of time to study, pray, repent, learn new things, grow, progress, change, gain faith, get a testimony, give service, change your thinking, educate yourself, find God, your Father and find faith in Christ. If you don’t take this time to do these things, then there will be little progress and you won’t like yourself any better tomorrow than you do today. So, can you see why I say that your life isn’t useless? It just has a different focus. You have been compelled to be humble and it will be a painful process all the way along. But you must go through it and you must endure it if you are ever to have the blessings that you want Heavenly Father to give to you someday. You spoke in your journal of having the opportunity to be a loving papa. I believe you will. Maybe there will be a grand in the front of that papa. You must become the man that your children will love enough to bring their children to your house years down the road. And just think of the potential for good you will be able to be in the lives of your children in the future as you make the necessary attitudinal changes in your life today. That’s what this time in your life is all about. Father has great plans for your life. I believe that with all my heart.}

On page 3 you talk about how my life has meaning and how much better off I am than if I had died in my sins. I will agree that you are likely right because I agree that there is (likely) an afterlife…but since I have not found that faith & testimony that you have, which makes all things transient in this life…I find I still cannot find comfort in such reasoning. All that I know is what is here. You must know that by now. What I hope is just that; hope. The hope of food tomorrow does not remove hunger pains today, especially if the hunger pains have existed many days and the food tomorrow is not guaranteed but just hoped for. Yes, I deserve to be here and this is a learning experience for me. I will come out of here a different man…it is not forever…this I know. But to what purpose am I learning? Am I to be a more patient man? Patient to whom? My kids will all be grown-up. They will not know me; will not trust me; will more than likely have nothing to do with me. Am I learning to love the Gospel so that I can teach it? To whom? To my grand kids? Do you really think I will ever be allowed contact with them? Maybe in Church…after however long it takes me to return (provided I can honestly say that I believe in the Church, rather than my current standing that: “I believe the LDS faith to make the most logical sense of any other faith I’ve studied, but I do not have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants and Pearl of Great Price or divine creation. I want to be Mormon because I love its ideals, its gospel, its structure, its logic, its morals, and its faithful “Molly’s”…but that is not enough reason to fight to return to a faith that will reject me as a person for the next 25 years. Only faith and testimony is enough reason. So, do you see…as things stand, my future seems worthless. I cannot predict what is to come and what appears most likely ahead is very scary.
What I don’t understand is why you make comments like that at the end of page 3…”If you don’t take this time…” Is it not apparent that I am using this time to do all the things you’ve mentioned (just above in your letter). The fact that I do not achieve the hope that I struggle for is not indicative of not trying.
I often wonder if you have ever looked into the life of a convicted sex offender after release—what their chance for success is. What hardships to the family that helps/houses them. How likely it is that I will ever hear “grandpa” spoken to me. I am not feeling sorry for myself—I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it. It is my reality. I just know that the longer I am down, and the older I get, the lower my chances of any post release success becomes. I am powerless to rebuild relationships with my family. My skills are becoming antiquated. I am not getting younger and each year seems to bring into effect more and more degrading, restricting and horrifying laws that impartially or unilaterally attack people like me. It is public “knowledge” that we “always do it again”, so by the time I get out, I wouldn’t be surprised to find I can’t get out; that there is a law placing me in some “civil protection camp” or forced castration or something…you think I jest? Look up _____ “Civil Commitment” law. I have very good reason to doubt my future…and given that the blessings of the Church you speak of are out of reach until after my paper is gone…how much hope do you think I should glean from that?
…Again, I am not lamenting, giving up or indulging in self-pity…I am speaking raw truth. If I don’t find a way to change the courts mind—the way things are going—my life is useless, both temporally and spiritually.
Well mom, I know this is a horrid place to wrap up. Believe it or not, I am OK. I love you so much. Your Son

“I Said I Was Sorry”. She Says “For Being Grumpy?” “Yes”, I Said, “For Being Grumpy.”

6-3-2011 Journal Entry

I woke up for breakfast this am, but couldn’t find my ID. I finished dressing and then started pushing the button so I could go search the laundry for it before they called chow. The woman in the bubble ignored my ring for more than 10 minutes until calling chow line! I must admit that with each passing minute of being ignored, I became increasingly angry and was fit to pull someone’s head off. By the time my door opened, I rushed over to begin searching the hamper for my shirt. But she called “last call” only minutes later! So I went to the CO’s counting us out and said (abruptly) I have lost my ID and “that woman” (pointing to the bubble) ignored my page for 10 minutes! It’s a good thing I was not dying! Can I still go to chow without an ID?” they said I could. By the time I had returned I was cooled off, and I stopped to tell the CO I’d been harsh with that I was sorry. She says “for being grumpy?” Yes, I said, for being grumpy.
“ Living 7 Habits” class was, as normal, a bit without order. I am going to make it through, but I don’t expect to learn much from it. As classes were forming, the “7 Habits” class and the Algebra class both claimed a podium. However, the Muslims—being as they are entitled to anything they want—literally went into the Algebra class and took their podium. Their “entitlement” is bad, but the way it’s catered to by everyone is annoying. There isn’t a grand total of 200 IQ points in that room and I provide 148 of them! There needs to be a “7 Habits For Dummies” book.
Tony says he will teach me to crochet. Now all I need is the money. I am also needing to figure out how to get started beading.
Newell seems to be trying to be friendly again. I am getting very weirded out about the friendliness of people who have been cold/hostile since I’ve been here. Even Birddog and Hood are suddenly chatting with me. I am worried that they are trying to lull me into complacency before attacking me—but would Newell participate in that?
Marvelle got taken to jail! I don’t know what happened yet. I sure hope I didn’t cause him problems.

6-4-2011 Journal Entry

Mom and my youngest brother came to visit this morning. I love my time with Mom and was thrilled with the positive time with him as well. I was really worried that there might be tension between us, but there wasn’t any at all. I don’t know if it’s because none had really existed or because he and I are both just very forgiving sorts of people. He looked very good. He says he’s lost some weight and I can tell. I am so glad he is taking his health seriously. I was so scared I wouldn’t have a chance to see him alive. Mom’s hip was bothering her a lot, making it a challenge to walk when first getting up. I feel so much need to be there for to help them. I sure hope Heavenly Father is in agreement that they need me…but still, I am afraid of ____ Co. Could I end up with legal issues there too.
…I am a bit surprised by my candor in chatting with my brother about my past transgressions. I keep having to fight the urge to relate detail…there is so much that happened. And while none of it would absolve me, as ultimately I alone am responsible for my actions…I think it would be so liberating to be able to “spill all”. But at what cost? I’ve already lost the respect and trust of just about everyone. Could I just make it worse? Probably would. Someday I hope to spill it all to a nameless disinterested (none state) shrink…maybe that will help?
Though there were moments of laps of convo…the time still felt far too short. I sure hope my brother is able to come visit often like he said.
I stopped and chatted with “Train Wreck” (Marvell’s old cellie) about Marvell’s arrest. The story he heard is that he was found to have porn! I can’t believe that myself. He has far too much to lose to do something that stupid. When talking to Ronnie this pm at yard, his opinion is that it’s all on account of his “giving up on God” (because he’s missed call-out, is not studying scriptures up to Ronnie’s par and [horror!] he’s spending more time with Jaycee stuff then he should be). I had to calm myself before I called Ronnie names…maybe I am sensitive as I feel sure that this is my fault. Reminds me of a time long ago that I thought my friend (I don’t remember his name, but he lived a few doors north of Ralphs on Woodman) had been abused by his father so I said something to Mrs. White and it turned out to be a wrong move. Just not sure what to think, but pretty sure I don’t trust the system in here anymore than out there.

6-5-2011 Journal Entry

I woke at 11:30 only because of hunger. On the way back from supper, another Asatru made nice with me. I am becoming even more weary…better keep my eyes open.
I hunkered down to watch my first real rugby match on ESPN today. My cellie and I quickly picked up the basics and found it to be a very exciting game.
I chatted with Chaplain Tarrab about terms used by “Real Christians” and he burst out laughing at my air quoted term. I asked him if “Real Christians” use the word “presiding” and he said not really and he wasn’t sure the IQ in the chapel was high enough to recognize the word (my term, not his).
I received email from mom letting me know she made it home ok though it seems she decided to test to see if anyone was praying for her by some reckless driving.

6-6-2011 Journal Entry

I ran into Rory Courthouse at chow. He seems to be doing well in U-dorm. It’s nice to feel a genuine fondness from him still. I sort of want to move to U-dorm so we can be friends again…sorta.
There was a fight in the krink line at lunch today. It was after I had left, but I did hear the radio call. The female CO who called it sounded in extreme panic…makes a person seriously doubt the wisdom of females working male prisons. When the call came through, a guard in programs (where I was waiting for Chappy to return from lunch) a CO came running through to go “join the fray” but found rubber necking inmates in her way. Of course she yells “Out of my way! Go sit down!”. Would you believe, one inmate argued with her that she should be polite, learn respect and “who does she think she is, talking like that to me?” are you serious! And the amazing thing is that these idiots who seem to believe that they are social equals to the staff; get away with this behavior all the time, no doubt because they are black and most likely Muslim.
Funny, as I am reading 7 Habits, I am finding he borrowed a great deal from the first part of Mere Christianity which, oddly, I also happen to be reading.
Call out tonight was just Ronnie and I. We sang several hymns. Then we discussed the “Marvell issue”. I called Ronnie down off his moral soap box (which was not easy to do). It was an odd yet very productive convo. Ronnie is completely devoted to the Gospel (which is good) but I think he may also be schizo or delusional. So explaining to him about how each of us grow in different ways at different rates and that being judgmental of others can be a stumbling block and that further; we can and will be held to account for those whom we have caused to stumble even by our good intentions…well, I hope he got the point.

6-7-2011 Journal Entry

I was forced to go to a memorial (because I work in the SLC) of an inmate who died last month. *Bleh*
I heard a Christian rock song that talks about how God does not test us beyond that we are able to endure so “God must really think I am able” given the testing I have been assigned. Should I take that as a compliment?”
I got my level 3 today. Next step, in October, I get a review and, provided I stay out of trouble, I get my low medium classification which means I can move to _____ Medium if I want or U-dorm. I am thinking I should apply for a minimum wage job.
I got a new Bible to add to my collection. This one is a Jimmy Swaggert
“Expositors” Bible. He went verse by verse and literally commented on everything!
I spoke to CO Normandy about the Marvell issue. Seems that, while they promised to be discreet and circumspect, instead they pulled him into the Captains office and grilled him and decided his story didn’t jive, so put him in jail! Ronnie heard that Captain actually asked M’s cellie first! There are all sorts of stories flying around…and none of them make sense. But all of them point to someone making a big boo-boo…was it me?
I wrote a reply letter to Church Corrections, letting them know that we have not had any word or contact from local priesthood and informed them of our group dynamic. I also asked them if the LDS Church has any program for “importing” LDS inmates to Utah so as to take advantage of programs and services.

6-8-2011 Journal Entry

I woke up late (9am) and so, didn’t have time to shower. But since I took one last night, all is good.
I turned in my application for Jaycees. Prima gave me a form to have filled out for assistance with the dues. I had to have my boss (Chaplain Tarrab) write a comment for me. He wrote: “_(me) has more to offer than any one organization can give (not sure what he means, but sure sounds nice). He is a wealth of knowledge, a heart to work, a desire to serve, and time to do all of the above. He will be a great addition to the Jaycee organization as he continues to help wherever he serves, he has my full support. (Yay!)
“7 Habits” class was another exercise in insanity…many in attendance were not there last week, and worse yet, one of those new people is the Mexican loud mouth from “Living 7 Habits” class. So, if it wasn’t already a dysfunctional class, it is now useless. But no matter what, I will learn from it and it will look good on my record. So, during the week, I spent more than 4 hours doing the homework, and do you know what? The teacher today went over the answers and where they are in the book…so more than half the class no longer needs to do it. Bleh! The more I try to play by the rules, the more I am shown it’s a dumb idea.

6-9-2011 Journal Entry

This morning for breakfast my right hip hurt. It hurt to walk for a few hundred yards. Maybe it’s a psychosymatic sympathy pain for mom? I was prone to sympathy with Grace.
I read several talks in the Ensign…trying to do so every day.
I stopped to talk with Hamburg (he’s the new porter in the SLC who has serious burns all over his body from a DUI car crash that killed his two friends and resulted in his imprisonment. He’s younger than Sunday! Anyway, I got him talking about his feelings about the families of the boys (his best friends) that died in the accident; about how he believes forgiveness works and etc. He seemed so relieved to have someone to unload his feelings on. It is odd for me to be peers with kids who are no older than my own. I am glad I can offer a “parental” role to someone.
At lunch I was forced by the CO to sit with people I would not otherwise choose to sit with. The conversation was hostile. The hostility was not directed at me—it was general—but it was a relief to finish and leave.
“Character First” class was still on despite Marvell being in jail. The sub did ok at guiding things—better than Marvell—and for the most part we stayed on topic. I am again surprised by the raw, unadorned, unabashed selfishness of people listening to them. I am surprised how they make no effort to even pretend to be anything other than that. I suppose some could say honest rudeness is better than hidden, but I wonder if most people don’t learn to overcome selfishness by first learning how to hide it, then little by little it goes away…and that these people, making no attempt to squelch it, can never improve.
Mr.Vernon, as always, had to comment on everything…and then the comic relief of Nolads “speech” on always trying to do nice things for other people and to be nice to everyone…I almost lost my mind from not laughing! As I thought about how he is chased from all to all because he makes no attempt to be nice to anyone. Chris Stewart chased him out because he insisted that Chris stopped peeing because he had a schedule to keep and Chris “knew that”! And here is little Nolad talking about showing niceness and respect. Hee Hee.
“Character First” callout was suddenly shut down due to Tornado alert. We were told to return to our cell house as quickly as possible but of course we walked slowly. They were trying to get those inmates in the shower to get out and lock down “Now!” so Tiger walked out of the shower buck naked…(he’s one of those black men who prove the stereotypes about black men), and most humorously was how the guards just pretended not to notice him strut across the cell house. They did not, however, allow those who did not get showers to come out later when late dayroom was opened. This caused the monkey’s to start hooting.

6-10-2011 Journal Entry

I was woken up at 8:00am by a property call. At first I thought to ignore it as I didn’t recall expecting anything and I had stayed up late last night, not having to work until afternoon. Finally curiosity got the better of me and I went. It turns out I am glad I did, as one of the books mom mentioned arrived. It’s called “Pure Before Thee” and its major topic is regarding what justification & sanctification are. Mr. Esther (property C/O) said that the company sent the wrong items at first (or rather, wrong addresses for what they sent) and then further surprised him by sending the correct item with the return receipt…something that is never done. I wasn’t awake enough to comment that, given it was an LDS publishing house, sending to supposed LDS buyers, the company likely has a more trusting policy. What floors me is that mom paid $8 in shipping for an $11 book! That’s just crazy.
Well, Marvell is out of the hole without issue. No lost job, no D.R., no porn, no filth. It seems the whole scenario was one misdirection after another. What most relieves me is that he didn’t miss a visit as I had heard…I am glad. Also, good news is that he is not at all upset with me. and, he has been moved to East “A”, so that’s good too.
Dranab has told me that he has been asked to mentor in the 7 habits class I attend, and to: “Get things back on track” (if this is accurate), I think perhaps Prima has seriously misjudged Dranab. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and has very little ability to deal with challenges. I “foresee” that, in the next meeting, Dranab will most likely leave in a huff or at the very least, go silent and refuse to interact because of some perceived slight.
Hamburg (burned dude at work) came into the library and initiated a conversation about our relative and differing beliefs. We spoke on many topics including: Heaven/Hell, reality of Satan, belief of Justification by Faith, need for works, Trinity, the Book of Mormon, and other LDS Standard works, pre-existence, eternal marriage, baptism for the dead, perfection or none fallibility of Bible…and more that I can’t recall. He is very open minded and since his search for God is new, he is not solidified to any extreme dogma…which made it possible for him to easily agree with much of the basic logic that makes the LDS faith so appealing to me. The downside is that I feel I would be doing him an injustice teaching him what may make it impossible for him to accept another faith when he gets out. As his charge is manslaughter he can never join the Church, so it seems better were he to be a devoted Protestant than a miserable wanna be Mormon.

6-11-2011 Journal Entry

Happy 18th Monday! I am thinking about you today. I miss you so much and I love you. I hope you know that that is still possible given what I did. I hope one day you will forgive me.
I had a very vivid and disturbing dream last night. I don’t feel it at all “prophetic” as the kids had not aged at all. But in it Grace was absorbed with a stupid boy friend as I came over to visit. When I went in to visit the kids, I saw that they were all badly burned (perhaps this visual is the result of working with someone badly burned). Their condition did not seem to be new or come as a surprise to me…and I think now that it may have signified an outward representation of the extreme damage that I have done my kids. I woke up very sad and alone.
This evening I ran 8 laps inside (that’s 1 1/3 miles) and then 4 laps outside (a total of about 2 miles and a little). I need to run more. I don’t seem to be losing my gut.

“I Really Have a Hard Time Relating to the Really Real World and All That Goes On in Daily Life”

{Note From Editor: It is at this point that I have decided to make some changes to the content of this blog. In the past I have been putting the letters that I have written to our son into the account in full. But, upon reading them I discover that they are full of newsy chatter of home and family that truly is not the point of this project. I am more interested that my readers are in touch with the growing that our son is doing in his life and the experiences that he is having that is helping to bring about this growth. So I have decided that I will now just insert sections from my letters that he responds to in his letters back to us so that the reader isn’t completely wondering what was said to prompt his remarks but also isn’t completely bored with what I have to say}

6-2-2011 Letter Home

Dear Mom & Dad
I got your letters all together on Tuesday (31st) and I did sit down and start a letter reply, but in re-reading it…well, I start again.
I get a very strong impression that my tone lately in my letters has been harsh and demanding.{From Mom: “you shouldn’t be too upset with me if it takes me a little longer to answer your letters than it takes for you to answer mine. I am really trying to fit everything in a day that I have to do and you usually are high on my list of priorities. But lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed and depressed…”} Oh mom! I am so sorry…I really have a hard time relating to the really real world and all that goes on in daily life as none of that applies to me here. Though I was there once and had the same 24 hours to get things done, that reality is as hard to hold onto as transient as a dream on waking. The sense of it is there but not so the “feel” of it. I suppose it’s like trying to remember pain after it’s gone. You know you felt it and it was bad but you can’t call up the feeling itself. What’s my point? Hmmm, I think I was trying to explain how I can forget the natural order of time and get snippy for “being forgotten”. It sounds pretty shallow on re-reading it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. You are far too young to be having hip problems. It’s a good thing that Obama Care will pay for everything now. *Just Kidding*
I feel bad and responsible for your depression. Is there anything I can say or do that will help? I know that that is a silly question, but you never really know unless you ask. Here’s a hug for you. {Then my son draws a cute little picture of a face and two arms with hands reaching out to hug me} (no, I don’t have ears for arms…or arm for ears…it’s supposed to be me reaching out of the page).
Ok, on to your comments on my comment about “fishing for compliments”. First off, I am sure that when I said that, I was not rejecting your love, or even rejecting that you or anyone else could love me… “phishing” is a term meaning “making melodramatic comments for the sole purpose of receiving compliments or positive affirmation”. So I am guessing I want to make sure you knew that whatever comment you were replying to was not a “bait” comment, though in truth, when I am in a “blue” or down phase, I phish a lot and I most likely was then. Can you believe I don’t think I am phishing when I do? As to other people loving me and feeling that that is impossible..hmmm…I know my family loves me, though their level of “like” or even “interest” may be none so high. Where my fears of lovability are strongest is in the realm of the future. Mrs./Sister M…I despair of her ever existing…and that is a huge fear.
{From Mom: “I know that you probably have a hard time believing that anyone could love you for all your faults but son, you are of great worth to me and to a lot of other people, not to mention your God and your Savior. So try to let some of what we say soak in and take a moment to reflect on it before you reject it as impossible. I wish I knew how to say things better so that I could touch your heart.”}
You touch my heart every time you speak mom! Please do not think that you fail at that…You have been my rock for the last 20 months. I don’t know what I would be without your words…in these (and future) letters to your black sheep, your long suffering and love is/will be legend. {and then he includes a smiley face}
I once commented on how, if we put our letters together, it would make a great novel about the change in a man. I did you a great injustice; it would be an outstanding testament of the triumph of a mother’s love. There is a book I read last year called “Jewell”. It’s on the Oprah book club list…I loved it! It’s about the mother of a child with “mongoloid syndrome” (retarded) and the devotion she gives her child when most people in those days (1930’s) put such children in “homes”… As I read it I recall feeling as though I knew another such devoted mother…”
I love you! It was so great spending Saturday with you and my brother!
Your Son

“I’ve Noticed That Inmates That Childishly Demand…Seem to Get What They Want. Why is That?

6-1-2011 Journal Entry

Today was the first day of “7 Habits For Highly Effective People” (also taking “Traits of the 7 Habits” on Friday). I am impressed to hear that this course is inmate adapted to be given in this facility. Someone put a lot of time and effort into it. Very impressive. I was, however, not impressed by the skill of the instructor or the infighting between him and the other instructor. They should have taken their fight or disagreement “outside” (though on the one hand I did learn how damaging it is for ‘kids’ to see their “parents” fight. Too bad that’s useless understanding now).
While filling card orders I was (once again) made aware of the childish “gimme-gimme” mentality of inmates. I realize though, that it was the failure of this mentality that prevented me from throwing myself on the judge’s mercy {back in 2009 at his sentencing hearing}. I suppose a healthy dose of childishness is useful in some cases. I’ve noticed that inmates that childishly demand…seem to get what they want. Why is that?

6-2-2011 Journal Entry
The computers went down again today, this time due to a power failure. It seems the entire prison power system went down—even the fences. I am told the staff was a bit nervous. I slept through it though.
“Character First” class was today. The topic was still “Attentive”. I am surprised at the stupid topic. Inmates—even those teaching—seem to be totally unable to see past their selfishness. Oh, and then there was Nolad who seemed obsessed with the notion that people “tried harder” 100 years ago.
While reading the “7 Habits” book, I came across a comment that people never said on their death bed; “I wish I’d spent more time in the office.” I guess I can call this my death bed as I sure am learning what is really important.
I had a great chat on faith with Chaplain Tarrab. It was very productive, I think, for both of us. I think he now has an understanding that Mormons are, in fact, Christian (though he still has an annoying habit of calling us “the Church of Latter-day Saints”)
I read the Ensign article/talk on “Establishing a Christ Centered Home.” I nearly skipped it as no longer relevant as I am by my own actions no longer part of my “home”…but I read it anyway. It made me sad for my failures, and the long-term affect that we can’t even see. The poem about the sheep and the lambs struck a painful note.
I chatted with Marvell tonight. I am concerned about his new cellie who seems to have all of the classic signs of an “abusive husband” (so to speak), even so far as trash talk, breaking down self image, gifts of reconciliation and threats or indifference. He even has struck Marvell! I think Marvell was reaching out for help (as sometimes, to take direct action is to either get in more trouble or to be accused and labeled a “rat”).
I worked on my reply letter to Mom & Dad *chuckle*. It’s hard to write a long letter to someone you expect to see the day after tomorrow.
I sent an email to mom advising her that I have not received formal approval on her visit, but that I did get verbal and that I am very much looking forward to her visit.

“How Do You Tell Someone That They Have the Wrong Overall Impression of You?”

5-27-2011 Journal Entry

Today in “7 Habits”, I came in to find the tables set up the same way as last week (which caused great commotion as everyone insisted on re-arranging). When I suggested to move the tables so as to avoid the inevitable distraction to the class, Marvelle & McCoy (the teachers of the class) both insisted that that would not happen. I disagreed & (joked) that I would bet a hamburger tray on it (McCoy accepted, but I don’t bet and said I was joking). Of course, as predicted, 5 minutes were wasted moving the tables when the same (obnoxious) Mexican came in. I did my best not to say or appear to be “saying” I told you so…but both of them thought it was funny.
We did an exercise called roles & goals where we discussed our roles in life and how we intended to reach our goals to better ourselves in these roles. I had a hard time getting past how useless I am to my primary role in life. It seems the only way to make goals is to throw away my role as father, son, brother, programmer, &tc and make goals as inmate only. This so depresses me.
I started thinking about Grace and my final day together as a couple at “Worlds of Fun”. I really enjoyed our time together, though she’s a painfully boring person. I love her. I remember sitting outside of the “Tribute to Rock n Roll Theater” and asking her if she was happily married. She assured me she was and she told me her ideas about our 20 year renewal (which would be happening this year) and I wonder how all that can be gone and she can say that she was always miserable. How can anyone be that dishonest? How do I contend against such a profoundly wonderful liar? I have no idea how to respond directly to what she has done. The only way to affect a change of opinion about me is to interact. Who’s going to believe me saying, “Sure I did something evil but that woman (the one everyone thinks is so honest and abused) is a conniving liar! Hmmm, I suspect the Judge will buy every word…Not!
Speaking of my letter to the Judge…I just can’t seem to put the words together. How do you tell someone that they have the wrong overall impression of you; that the things that were said about you are mostly lies said by a truly evil woman. How do you explain that, when you had the chance to defend yourself, you were not indifferent, but rather too sure that no one would believe you, so you couldn’t barely speak. That your lawyer failed to prepare you, or seek any help. How do you put all this into a letter? Funny…I could write it for someone else.
I wonder if I can use in my defense the fact that any other county might have given me much less time based on sentences I’ve seen/vs. original charges from other counties.

5-28-2011 Journal Entry

Dead day. I slept until 10am. I ran 4 laps at yard today getting close to a mile. I need to commit to running every day.

5-29-2011 Journal Entry

Another “Dead Day”. Nothing really to do but read, watch TV and sleep. I slept until 11am. This pm “Horton Hears a Who” was on TV. It brought back memories as my town showed it as an outdoor movie (the summer my life ended) and we took the little ones to see it.
I accidentally ran 2 miles tonight. I got my counting mixed up and pushed myself to “a mile” only to realize I had the numbers wrong.

5-30-2011 Journal Entry

I slept until 10:50 and watched all together too much TV but since it is a holiday, there was no work.
I attempted again to write a letter to the judge and failed miserably. CO Heinrich (outwardly a jerk, but on the inside he’s a really nice guy) startled me by asking: “What’s bugging you Red?’ I explained to him what I was trying to do and why and he said “When I have that problem, I write all my thoughts as random sentences and paragraphs…then put them all together after it’s all written out…” Brilliant! I will have to try that.
LDS callout was missing Marvelle. Ronnie and I sufficed ourselves with some hymns (‘How Long, O Lord Most Holy and True” is a really hard hymn! It’s the one I mentioned last week…and “Be Still My Soul”is lovely and depressing all at once). We did our Sacrament prayer ritual and called it an evening.

5-31-2011 Journal Entry

I turned in a form 9 for mom’s visit this am (yesterday being a holiday, Tallam was not here). But this morning there was a huge electrical storm that fried the prison computers. So, I don’t know if she will have the ability to schedule it today.
A lot of thought about Monday’s last letter. I still wonder if she is trying to cause me more grief. In any event, I hope mom has sent her my reply. I think/hope that, over time she and I will be ok.
I am reading (finished) a book by a ministerette named Joyce Meyers called “Straight Talk on Insecurity”. It’s really very good and has a lot of insights worth remembering. One thing that really hit me was in regards to my comparing my sentence to others and the despair that causes. She mentions John 21:22 in reference to Peter trying to compare his lot to Johns. Jesus responds “With him I’ll do what I want. What’s that to you?” (so to speak)
I got (3) letters! 2 from mom and 1 from dad! Yay! It’s amazing how so much of what they say is so much like what I read in that book today! I felt a very distinct “feeling” that it is truth. Guess I’ve been whining a lot huh?

“I Could Have Been Having a Heart Attack and Gotten No Help”

5-24-2015 Journal Entry

I failed to get up for my alarm this am until 8. I needed to take a shower which luckily kept my mind from shutting down completely. When I got up though and pressed the button, the guard ignored it (cleared the call) for 10 minutes! Never even asked what I wanted! (I could have been having a heart attack and gotten no help…as there are huge fans in the day room which cut all sound from the cells!) After 10 minutes (and several button pushes) of waiting, the bubble guard asked what I wanted. When I said I needed a shower, he said “door run is over” (true, door run had been over about 4 minutes…or 6 minutes after I started pushing the button) and then hung-up… “Push”…2 minutes: “What?”… “I need to shower for work”. “Door runs over…”. “I’ve been pushing the button since the start of the door run…”. “Next door run…” [Click]…Push…2 minutes… “Push it again, I write you up.”: [Click] At this point, Mr. Howard is coming through the day room. I manage to get “Shorty’s attention and ask him through the door to get Howard to come over. He does. I explain to Mr.Howard the situation and he attempts to get them to open the door. It took him 5-10 more minutes to get their attention! By the time I got into the shower, it was 8:30!
At work, I did more work on my book, and more still at “home”. I am more and more thinking that I should just type it myself (on computers in the library) and then send printed pages to mom (at 10 cents a page though, that’s going to add up!) It’s really too bad there is no way to send files home.
TCM was showing “Bye Bye Birdie” which made me sad as Sunday was in that play at school…back before she realized she hated me.
Feeling extreme melancholy…I think its ___ related, not to mention my anxiety about my case and how to move forward with it.
I had a chat with Tony Schmidt about Jessica’s law. His cousin is here under that…he says he hasn’t heard anything regarding it being turned over. A lot about nothing?
Tonight, Young yapped and yapped as I was attempting to watch my TV program. Since we talk all the time on the yard, and seeing as I had headphones on, all I can say is ____. Actually, I eventually asked him if he would cut the small talk until times that obvious signs like headphones or reading glasses don’t scream “Occupied”. He chucked and said “Sorry, I am just not used to having a cellie with a positive IQ or a TV.

5-25-2011 Journal Entry

Trent came into the library today. He wanted to complain about the fact that band members are complaining to Chaplain about him on the sound board. He was particularly upset because they “ratted” to the Chaplain. If he was expecting me to agree with his opinion, he isn’t any smarter than he looks. As always I reminded him of how things work in “reality” and in a work setting, if people fail to work out their issues between themselves, it is common to go to your superior…only in prison is that called “ratting” or IRL by people who don’t have the moral high ground…I think I got him thinking a little. I hope so.
While doing my John (Biblical) study, I came across a quote labeled “As someone once said:” That sounds very Latter-day-Saint in nature. I can just imagine them swallowing their tongue… “A Mormon said this; it’s really good, but…it’s a Mormon! They’re not Christian!” I wonder if I’m right. Here’s the quote:
“As someone has said, ‘The crucifixion brought glory to the Father. It glorified His wisdom, faithfulness, holiness, and love. It showed Him wise in providing a plan whereby He could be just, and yet the justifier of the ungodly.—It showed Him faithful in keeping His promise, that the seed of the woman should bruise the serpent’s head.—It showed Him holy, in requiring His law’s demands to be satisfied by our great Substitute.—It showed Him loving, in providing such a Mediator, such a Redeemer, and such a Friend for sinful man as His co-eternal Son.
“The crucifixion brought glory to the Son. It glorified His compassion, His patience, and His power. It showed Him most compassionate, in dying for us, suffering in our stead, allowing Himself to be counted sin and a curse for us, and buying our redemption with the price of His own blood.—It showed Him most patient, in not dying the common death of most men, but in willingly submitting to such pains and unknown agonies as no mind can conceive, when with a word He could have summoned His Father’s angels, and been set free.—It showed Him most powerful, in bearing the weight of all transgressions of the world, and vanquishing Satan, and despoiling him of his prey.’
Newell (my old cellie) told me today that JJ being beat up last week is the result of an Asatru plan to beat down all “Mo’s” over the next coming months. He seemed agitated enough that I think he is truly concerned about my well being…nice of him. I heard that JJ didn’t fight back…he’s out of the hole and seems no worse for wear. Rules are that, if I attempt to defend myself, I will be given a DR too, even in self defense. The only way to avoid that is to be passive. I don’t know if I have it in me. It sounds like the other guy beat up is looking like he might die.
No letter from mom. I know she sent one last week but I am feeling very blue and it always brightens my day to hear from mom. I did get a letter from LDS Correctional Services asking if we’ve received any contact from local priesthood…nope…sure would be nice as (like I said) we need help or our callout is doomed to die.
I chatted with Mr. Normandy about the Schrader (AKA BTK killer) myth that he has his own lap top. Normandy says that’s completely false. Don’t know why I wanted to record that.
I got an email from mom. She is going to be coming down next Saturday (6/4) with My younger brother. My only concern is that I will be only 3 days shy of level 3 so I will not be able to get pictures taken with my mom. That really bums me out. I wonder if Grace would let the kids have a picture of their daddy?
I am worried about younger brother coming. I just don’t understand what happened. I remember that he wrote me a letter that really hurt…but I don’t even recall what it said. I don’t hold any grudge, but I am still at a loss as to what happened.

5-26-2011 Journal Entry

Spoke to Mr. Howard this Am about the level “issue” and how close mom’s visit is to the day I receive my level. He tells me that he can’t make an exception; that Ms.Tallum has really cracked down on that. So, I suppose it will have to wait 3 more months.
I went to first day of “Character First” class…I am forever surprised at the mentality of inmates…they are unruly children! I can’t begin to imagine how this class is supposed to help them.
I read the first couple of talks in the Conference Ensign…I know I’ve had if for a week but I haven’t really looked at it yet…The talks on children being a teacher and the marvel of LDS women really made me hurt for what I’ve lost (sad face)… I just can’t latch onto hope too well, given how long I have to live this life (very sad face).. It’s very hard to keep my chin up.
A funny thing happened when I returned from work. The guard in the bubble opened 305 (I am in 309)…That coupled with my name being listed on “Character First” class roster as EA305 made me concerned that they had me listed in the wrong room and I was worried that my mail was going to the wrong room. I hit the button and asked the guard what cell they have me listed in as there seemed to be a confusion…a slight pause and he comes “Why did you go into 305; you know that’s not you cell…” *chuckle* “I am not in 305…or else how would I be calling from 309” said I…*pause* “Oh…well, you’re listed in 309.”

“I Am Begging God to Help Me…to Calm Me, to Guide Me…to Speak to Me.”

5-21-2011 Journal Entry

I need to write a letter to send to Dad with his card (Father’s Day). I wonder if he really knows just how much I look up to him (*chuckle*…he will read this someday…is this cheating?).
I read through all my Pop-Sci magazines (I have 3 so far) that my aunt got me and some PC World Magazines given to me by “Other”. I like Pop-Sci, but PC World depresses me. It’s about analogies to having monthly updates from a dating site…Wooptie doo! I can’t do anything about it here.
My cell was shook down by Ms Little. It took 5 minutes and she took nothing though there are several things she could have taken. I noticed though that she appeared to be thumbing through my Men’s Heath Exercise book.
While cleaning my locker, I went through the sack of letters given to me at Kairos weekend. One card or painting (looked to be by a 6 year old) had a flower labeled “Tulip”…just like on the day that I got it, my heart broke in missing Grace. I wonder if Tulips (pronounced Tu Lipsh) would cause her any nostalgic tug at all.
I read several chapters in the Teachings of the Prophets: Joseph Smith and worked some more on my book. I managed to turn the first paragraph of prologue into 5 pages.

5-22-2011 Journal Entry

I slept till lunch. I heard about a general lock down this morning but didn’t know details until later. It turns out that “J.J.”, a young childish guy with a “not so bad” sex case was beaten up by some Asatras. The word is they were extorting him and he refused to pay—or—that the two were looking for any sex offender to jump, “just because”.
I did 3 chapters of Gospel of John study…followed that with several chapters of “Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith.
Valentine gave the sermon tonight and as usual, she sounded half insane.
I heard some news that, if it’s true, I don’t know how to respond. I am told that Jessica’s Law has been struck down and that people sentenced under it are having their cases converted to much lower sentences. But I fear that, since I pled to a lesser crime, this ruling will have no affect on me! That the charge that at one time meant life might now serve far less than I am going to serve for “attempted” of that charge. I don’t know what to do, who or what to ask and worse of all, though my family will undoubtedly pray that this benefits me, I have little hope that anyone will be willing or financially able to help me. I have no knight in shining armor! And now it turns out that, if I had accepted the first plea in December ’09 I may be not only benefitting from this ruling, but still in the good graces of “the girls” which it seems my 10 month fight managed to sour. Oh Dear God! Can I never do the right thing?

5-23-2011 Journal Entry

I prayed and cried over my dilemma, not sure what to do or how to proceed. I was so anxious that I attempted to go to sleep early. As usual, as I prayed, I felt no real comfort. I am begging God to help me…to calm me, to guide me…to speak to me. He knows how much I want to accept and believe, and yet I feel nothing. What am I doing wrong? Why is He silent to me when I am doing exactly what I am told to do…read the scriptures (I do) read the Book of Mormon (I have)…pray for confirmation, believing that He will answer. I believe that. All I can hope for is that He knows me well enough to know how to talk to me so that I can believe it’s an answer. The things that some people relate as being their “answer” to me are completely unacceptable. No, I am not seeking an excuse; I am asking God to look into my heart and see my honest desire and honest confusion. Will He answer me?
Hmmm…got a little off topic there. I tried to go to sleep but anxiety controlled me. I know that I have a problem that has always caused me to fail in life and that my anxiety is spurring me into poor, reckless action or fear halting any action. It’s so hard for me to grasp any concept that deals with the “human variable”. So I panic and shut down. Now I am up against it again, and I have no one I trust to help me. Who can help me who has the knowledge to help me? So I am so overcome with the desire to shut down and do nothing in the hope that it will work itself out for the good. That hasn’t served me too well so far. I have continual urges to write to the Judge and tell him “my side”—but when I start to write, I start downing on myself. “This is stupid. All he will see is someone trying to con his way out of trouble”. I think about filing for a plea retraction based on ineffective council (and this is even more tempting now that the charges couldn’t carry anywhere near the threatened length). But I know that that might mean dragging the girls back through it all (if I win the motion)…I suppose Grace might enjoy that, but would the girls? I really need legal advice and I don’t know where to turn. Please God; can you speak a little louder—my spiritual hearing aid seems to be broken.
I did two chapters of John study…(returned from lunch to find no new cellie…odd that). I wrapped up my letter to mom and sent it out with journals.
Around 1pm I was told to pack my stuff, I was moving to cell 309…Seems John Other convinced Tallum to move his cellie out and me in rather than moving him over with me. Six of 1, half dozen of another (suppose, but 309 is on the bottom rung—I don’t like that much—and it seems more humid there. It also has an odd odor. I am hoping that is due to the ex-cellie (blacks tend to smell odd for some reason I don’t know). One odd thing is that Other tells me that Tallum didn’t want to move him to 1 pod because he has no DR’s and that she likes to keep DR free people in 3 pod. Ok, so why was I in 1? Odd…
I took a chance and asked Mr. Normandy if he’d heard anything about the Jessica’s Law strikedown…he said he did not know anything.
I forgot to mention-I added a plea to mom in my letter today, more or less asking that she attempt to get “the Family” to do more (pro-active) than just pray/wish me luck. It’s a hard thing for me to do (ask for pro-active help) because I fear rejection so much. Like the old saying “better to be silent and thought an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.” My motto is: “Better to assume rejection, than to ask and prove it.”
The callout tonight was less than steller. Marvelle failed to prepare because he is overloaded with other classes he is teaching (7 Habits & others). I think now would be a great time to have priesthood come in to teach us, as we are slowly winding down in enthusiasm. Still no outside word though.

“Signed Up For 3 Self Improvement Classes…Both Helpful & Pointless Given My Condition”

5-18-2011 Journal Entry

Rory has mentioned having peeps add to my fresh fav[orite] fund…mmm…Pizza!
Heard that Randy Alps (my old cellie with razor blade issues) got himself caught with razor blades again! And off to the hole once again…this time, they even found them in his mouth!
I’ve signed up for 3 self improvement classes. I am sure they will be both helpful & pointless given my condition, but anything to improve. Of coarse, Spanish class was a bust, so, I guess I need to prove I can accomplish something positive.
At lunch today, a female guard got rather rudely pushy about me & Rory taking “too long” to eat as (though we were the last to sit in section “B”) “B” was clear and we needed to leave. Normally guards randomly tell people to “hurry up and get out!” and it is a general and mostly ignored thing. We took little notice (if we jumped every time a guard said that, we’d never finish a meal). Well she turns around and says “are you refusing an order”? You can say I was surprised!…even more. My unflipable cellie showed a new side & got mouthy, challenging her on the amount of time allotted, when it started &tc. Very funny…though he still hasn’t stopped sounding like a convict since…he’s a little ticked. We’re two of the more civilized inmates and this woman seems to want to ensure we gain a good “healthy” disdain for the guards…not too bright.
Finished my letter to mom and put in mail. Found an (attempted) broken CD player at work. I didn’t work last night so it must have happened then? The player works, but it looks like someone tried to break it open. I took it to Mr.Nomanly, the guard so as to cover my butt.

5-19-2011 Journal Entry

Rory and I stayed up most of the night chatting (mostly religious chatter…he’s very non religious but technically he’s Methodist). He showed curiosity in Mormonism and since he knows very little about even “his own” faith, he was a pretty unbiased listener (though he’s also a cynic about all religion…so I have not illusions that I might convert him. Between Rory, John Other and Kenton, I have a nice little group of intelligent people to talk to.
Female Smiteme woke me up this Am at 8 and told me to go get my glasses. I am not expecting any glasses as I have not seen the opthomologist or anything. Being very tired, I attempted to slip back to sleep, but a nagging feeling told me that here may be an actual reason to have woken me. So I got up and went down to the guard stand. Ms.Little (super hot black guardette) asked what I needed. I said “Smitene says I am supposed t go get glasses!” she chuckle/snorted “No, you’re supposed to go to work.” Hey…good thing I listened to nagging (not always still small) voice.
A letter from mom came today! So happy. Rory gets letters almost every day. I was beginning to feel like Newell did. Not really mom, you’re doing great!
While working out tonight, Jeremy Ouch confirmed what Grant told me he’d learned from Ronnie…that Ronnie is oober distressed about living with Don Archer as the man is crazy. Other tells me that Ronnie is also rather fed up with me personally because of my “know-it-all” attitude. Oh man! I am slipping back into old habits the more comfortable I am with people.

5-20-2011 Journal Entry

I snoozed my alarm several times this morning and ended up missing breakfast *Chuckle*
Rory was moved out this Am to U-Dorm. Man! I am very not happy with that. At lunch, I found Other. I have an open top bunk and he was quick to put in a form-9 to move. On the one hand he may be a great cellie. On the other hand, he is a Wiccan so he has no moral center to speak of. I don’t worry that he will bring me down though.
Started “7 Habits” class (by a Mormon author Steven Covey. Mom and Dad sent his Mormon version of that course in their book package to the LDS Callout). Being in a prison environment, I do not envy the instructor (Bryan Marvelle—also LDS). The personalities he has to try to teach.
I finished the study on the Epistle of James. I really wish there were LDS ccommentaries to read and offset the stuff I get in these studies. It’s not that I am taken by their opinions, but there are many times that I know they are wrong but am not 100% sure why.
No Ronnie at workout tonight. I fear my personality has struck again.
I watched “Splender in the Grass”. Rather depressing, isn’t it?

“I Sat Down and Cried Over the Words That You Wrote To Me.”

5-17-2011 Letter From Mom

My Dear Son,
I feel so very bad, after looking back through the last 3 letters I wrote to you, that I didn’t thank you for the beautiful Mother’s Day card that you sent to me. When I received it several days before any other cards, I sat down and cried over the words that you wrote to me. I also have such insecurities about the love that my children have for me. I guess it is hard for me at times to realize that I am loved as much as I am by each of you. It was a real surprise to actually get a “card” as that was a first. Thank you again for the lovely card which I shall treasure always. And I look forward to more cards in the future now that I know that you are running the card department now. They just keep piling on the jobs, don’t they? It sounds like you are getting a wonderful reputation for being dependable there.
I just got your 1 page letter (dated for the 12th ) and journal entries yesterday. Dad and I enjoyed reading them as always. I shall take a few minutes to respond to your letter and entries, as I only have a few minutes and then I will cut this letter short as I am needed down in the driveway to help move junk to a different location so that hopefully the garage can be moved today.
First off, I hope also to be able to give Sunday her Mother’s Day card someday but since she didn’t even answer my text message wishing her a happy mom’s day, I get the impression that she doesn’t want any contact from me. That I am aware of, our oldest grandson is the only one right now in our family that she is keeping frequent contact with and she has sworn him to secrecy as to her whereabouts. Your sister-in-law told me that he won’t break that trust as he doesn’t want to lose the contact with her. But according to him she is doing well and looking forward to the birth of her daughter. It makes me sad, given the wonderful relationship that she and I always had when she was young, that she has completely abandoned that relationship now when I would be eager to pursue it. Oh well, be patient grandma, only God knows what wonderful events are right around the corner. I must have faith. I have tucked the card safely into your family file in my drawer.
By now you know that Fridays birthday is the 29th of this month. Don’t feel too bad that you have forgotten. You do have a bunch of kids. I have no idea when Saturdays birthday is so, if you have that date, let’s swap the information. I am trying like mad to finish the dress I started for Friday and hopefully I will. But again I have this dilemma as to where to send it. It is a church dress and Grace’s mother is the only one taking the kids to church as far as I’ve heard, so quite naturally I would like to send it to her.
Regarding the your younger brothers girlfriend—a nice card might be a better idea. She is a very sweet, thoughtful woman. I really like her a lot and your brother is banana’s over her. I have to hand it to a gal that loves my son despite all the baggage he carries with his court/IRS stuff. I think she really loves him—at least for his sake I hope so. He, like you, really thrives on the love of a woman. I often wonder if that total dependency on a woman means that I was a good, loving mom and set the stage for that need in you guys or that I wasn’t loving enough, thus creating the hunger for a women’s love in your life. I have to guess it was the former, as your dad had a very loving mother and he also has a strong need/dependency to be loved by me and says he too does not know what he would do if I wasn’t in his life. Of course I have assured him that only death could part us now.
You mentioned in your journal several times that your foot is still numb. How numb? When you pinch it, can you feel the pinch? You realize that I have spent much of my life with on and off numbness in my right foot. It is not the tingly sort; just the warm, funny feeling sort of numbness. It comes from the sciatic nerve being pinched. My reverse traction unit is very helpful in alleviating that problem on the most part. If there is some way that you could either hang from a door frame by your hands or get upside down (like little kids hang from monkey bars) that would help your spine to traction and help wake up your foot. A good chiropractic adjustment has always helped those symptoms to go away within a few days for me. Of course, I doubt that you have access to that, but it would be nice if they would let a chiropractor in to treat those problems.
I have more comments to make on your journal entries but not until dad and I finish reading them together and he has a chance to comment on what you said regarding the Catholic church and Joseph restoring the true church. So I will save this for my next letter.
Wear your glasses. Eyes do not improve when you strain them. They only get worse. That is from an opthamalogist—an eye surgeon. Your eyes are getting old and tired and also may be lacking vital nutrition (like vit A-I have always had an A deficiency and maybe you take after me). If you need stronger magnifiers, we will do what is needed to get them to you.
I gotta close for now. I was only going to write a short note. Have a great day, son.
Love you,