3-20-2010 Journal Entry
“My heart is still hurting. I can’t seem to shake the pain I feel of lonely longing. For my children my heart aches. I feel their loss to be sure, but oh, how complete was God’s skill at making a man’s heart cleave to his wife! My heart’s longing for Grace grows so painful everyday! So many times each day something or other will remind me of something in our life together. I heard an answering machine on TV which made me think of Grace’s voice mail; now I cannot get it out of my head!
Oh dear God! Does she miss me? Does her heart not long for me as well? If not, did she ever love me? Please Father, did she love me? Did I spend my life attached to a woman who did not love me? Please God, I am sorry for my sins. Please, allow me to go home! I want to go home!
Today, like the last few days, “Soggy pants” Zohar and Elzaphan have been randomly yelling at each other. It’s very annoying because they will never get past “You! No you!” I have been attempting to break these up when I can, but Zohar is a retard, and too stupid to know better and Elzaphan seems to just be stupidly annoying.
I nicked my neck pretty bad today while shaving. I removed the safety guard from the single blade since it works horribly “as directed”. As the blade cut and blood spilled out, I felt a thrill—scary, huh?
This PM I called down Zichri for his dominating attitude toward the T.V. He backed off. I was surprised.
Watching “Lock-up” on TV—They just showed a little 3 year old visiting his father for the first time. The little boy was so excited to see his daddy, but was distressed that his daddy was “inside a mirror” and that he “can’t get out my daddy”. Watching this broke my heart. I wept for my little ones; I wept for me! I want to die. It would be easier on the kids, I am sure.”
3-21-2010 Journal Entry
“Tomorrow marks my 5th month behind bars—the outside world becomes more and more of a blur to me. I try to hold onto it, but in truth, even my concern and feelings about my family are more “because I know I should” then in actual fact. Of course, I am honest enough about myself now to know that this might also be a reflection of my current chemical balance, given that just last night I was weeping in despair for their loss. This shifting of feelings scares me. I am aware that I have always had this—shall I call it “protective” detachment from people I am close to; though in the last 20 years it has never manifested with regards to my own children. I wish I could enjoy that “balance” of emotional stability that I see in others lives. I pass through it like that moment of perfect weather between sweltering summer and freezing winter; saying to myself “This is ideal, if only it would stay” but then forgetting its actual feeling—retaining only the memory that it felt joyous—for the extreme.
Those who know me wonder why I do not just “change” and, (as I have admitted many times) I thought that things of the mind were changeable through the will of the mind. But I know now that such is not the case. It is impossible to say to despair, “I am happy” and then be. Or “I am calm” and have anger wash away. Not when these emotions are comprised, not of life’s play, but rather of some internal conflict that defies natural order and logic.
In another age perhaps I would be dead by now as the result of some rash act, thereby removing my genes from the pool—but today’s society is so sedate and strictly regulated that the truest wonder of my life is “why has it taken me so long to end up in jail”?
Mom and dad visited today. I could tell that my situation is hard on them, but more so is their estrangement with Grace which is forcing them to lose contact with the kids. Compound this with having to watch Monday spiral into trouble and be unable to help her. They are suffering much for their support of me. I think that maybe I should release them of that so they can turn their efforts to helping my children. See my detachment! If I push them away first, then there is no pain since I assume that eventually they will come to this conclusion anyway.
Mom reports that, despite telling her “not to bother” visiting, Grace then got angry with mom for not informing her when they were coming to visit me.
Monday found that life with her aunt was too restrictive of her new lifestyle and has returned to Grace’s home. I find it ironic that I was the advocate of less restrictions for the girls, and she firmly said “no” but now she allows Monday to do anything—all laid at my feet.
Sunday is in fact getting married. Apparently Grace (she of no money) has found the money to pay for all of the flights to Georgia, and also to buy Sunday a $500 dress. I fear she may be using my credit cards. I will of course have no choice but to file fraud charges if she is. That, coupled with charges of complacency or, at the least SAID defense, should have her nervous enough to work with me. And best of all its true.
Political currents seem to have shifted again. Suddenly Zichri and Mishael seem to be buddies and I seem to be the object of their enmity—perhaps I revealed too much about my situation in my most recent chat with Zichri. Or perhaps I hurt his feelings last night over the T.V. As to Mishael, he’s just a twit who enjoys drama—I could almost wish he would start something—my, how violent I am becoming.
Speaking of politics, the communist health care plan passed today. I wonder where people will go for good medicine now? I also wonder what Grace’s political leanings are now?
momofaninmateson 