(This is part two of my very long 9 page letter. This part of the letter contains a lot of impressions and inspiration from above, to my son. I was amazed, many times, how the thoughts and ideas flowed into my mind. I have never considered myself much of a writer when left to my own abilities, but truly I could again and again feel the hand of God in the things that flowed from my pen. I share them with my readers in the hopes that they may be helpful to someone who reads them.)
3-23-2010 Letter from Mom (Continued)
Son:
In your letter dated 3/15 you said: “It hurts me to think that everyone I loved in my life is probably thinking that I deserve this and condemning me for not giving in.” I would like to address this statement in some length.
First of all, everyone whom I have talked to of your siblings believe as I do in mercy and justice. There are consequences for every choice we make in life and you are experiencing ugly consequences. We also believe that when you have paid the proper price, you should be free. We also believe that only God and you know exactly what you are guilty of and if the facts are not being represented truthfully (and only God and you know about that) then you need to take whatever measures necessary to get the facts on the table so that you don’t have to serve any longer than is just or merciful.
Not one of us are against you. Your family loves you. I haven’t spoken to one of your family members immediate or distant that wishes you ill or hates you or says they won’t forgive you. On the contrary they are praying for you (if they are praying people) and sending their love to you through me. That includes my mother (although she doesn’t know why your in jail) and your aunt and uncle (my oldest sister and brother). Your aunt (dad’s sister) wishes you the best.
Then you said “In light of the fact that I am facing more time than anyone could have imagined, does everyone still think they did the right thing?”. This is where the lengthy part of my answer comes in.
I want to say first that I took that question to Heavenly Father in prayer and asked him to give me impressions of how I could answer that to you. Over the period of the entire day last Saturday, those impressions came to me and I wrote them down. What was interesting was that some of the impressions were reminders of things that I had already thought of; but some of the impressions were things that had never occurred to me. I made a list and added to the list as the impressions came. So here they are:
- Grace is the beginning of your woes. Had she first kept your secret—this would be a non-conversation and all of the liability would be on hers and your shoulders.
- What would have been the message to Sunday and Monday if there had been no accountability on your part. You probably assume that they would have been fine with this because they claim it is what they wanted, for the so-called good of the family, i.e. your continuing financial support. But truthfully, they had been sold a bill of goods by both of their parents and this could never have helped them in their healing process. I know that from experience. There is no way your girls could lead healthy lives if this had been kept a secret. These girls will need ongoing professional help to recover from this (if it’s ever possible that they can recover). A girl is supposed to be able to “trust” her father (it becomes the basis of the trust she will have toward all men in her future.) What have you done to their sense of trust? If you never had to pay for your sins, I daresay it would be impossible for them to fully heal. And even if you were able to keep your family secret, they would all have made you pay and pay and pay and your life would have quickly been made a hell anyway—with manipulation and blackmail and threats of telling on you—that’s if they could have kept it a secret which I know that none of them could have and eventually someone who had a sense of what’s right would have made the report. When it was found out that everyone in your family knew about it and was keeping your secret—what would have been said about all of us. Do you see what you’re asking Son?
- Your sins are a crime against humanity and in your case the humanity of your own children—a punishable offense. There are consequences set forth in our society—you are experiencing those consequences. It is as it should be—for any of us.
- Once your family secret was out, the rest of us would have been complicit in your crimes if we hid them. While you had gone on your merry way being “free” from paying for your crimes, the rest of your family would be weighed down in great guilt.
- Even though your family wants to believe that you are among the 7% adult offenders who do not repeat the crime (statistically 93% of all adult offenders repeat) how could we be absolutely sure; not understanding any of your actions in the 1st place. Our thought pattern was: What if we say nothing and then he does this again, maybe to someone else’s children and we could have prevented it. And—if you had repeated the offense and it came out that we all knew about former unreported crimes—what would happen to us having been party to a cover-up.
- And what makes you think that you could have avoided the consequences once Grace made your crimes known? (her sister said that she would have made the report if no one else had) It would have been reported by someone eventually—someone would have stepped up to the plate. Your sister-in-law felt directed by the Spirit to do this for the very reason that she didn’t want one of the members of your family to have to make that report. She went behind your brothers back. She said that she was willing to have you hate her.
- On a more spiritual level, what about your repentance process? Hidden secrets are not how repentance works. You could not make things right spiritually without going through the proper steps. Then, though you were “free” from consequences in mortality, trust me that you would not be “free” from consequences in the next phase of your life.
- Finally Son, I have hard things to say but these are by far the most hopeful. Thru the choices you have been making since you left the church, Satan has been carefully leading you down to hell. (Please read: 2 Nephi 28: 15-24) You were in an awful state. But, because of the constant prayers of parents and family members who have continued to love you, your Savior has intervened for your salvation. You have been compelled to be humble. Ask yourself: would you be spiritually where you are today if you were not where you are? Would you be struggling to discover your faith/belief in your Heavenly Father; would you be reading the scriptures and opening a dialogue with your parents about them if you were not where you are? Would you be singing yourself to sleep by affirming that you “know that your Redeemer lives” if you were not in this awful place? Only you know if you would have begun to have “a change of heart” if you were still free. But I think not. I think it’s time I tell you of the impression I had after my morning prayer on Feb 10th of this year. I will quote what I wrote in my journal. “This morning when I was praying earnestly for my son, a strong impression came to my mind. I will see if I can put it into words. My son sits miserably in jail because of his transgressions. He has lost his wife thru divorce and is denied the company of his children. The whole family is suffering. I was impressed with the thought of how very much like eternity this can be if he doesn’t repent of his sins completely and turn his life around 380 degrees and return unto Christ. Jesus said (D&C 19:15-20) that he commands us to repent lest…our sufferings be sore…how hard to bear you know not.” He said that he has already suffered for our sins so that we wouldn’t have to but if we don’t repent we would have to suffer even as he did. Then he says; “Which suffering caused myself, even God…to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore…” Finally in verse 20 he says if we don’t repent he may humble us—I believe because he loves us so much and he also cares about the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us. I believe that my son finally came to that point where the Savior has humbled him, perhaps because of the prayers of his parents, but certainly because Jesus loves him and because he is so choice a spirit. My son needs to realize that what he is experiencing now is only a glimpse of what he would experience eternally, i.e., spirit prison for 1000 years—no association with his children or family members. After his release from that prison he would receive the Telestial Kingdom and still be alone for eternity in the company of people such as he is living with now. But he still has choices he can make now. (see Alma 34:32-36) It is not too late to change. Another impression that came to me a time ago is that perhaps this was the only way Father could turn my son around (and Son, don’t think that I am implying that God had anything to do with your sin, that was all your own doing). Perhaps he may never have had the strength of character to humble himself and turn his life away from sin. Perhaps the Lord compelling him to be humble was the only way.” (end of journal entry)
Have you ever thought about whether you would have had the strength or motivation on your own to become humble and turn from sin? I don’t know what’s in your heart but, for certain God does. You do have the chance for a happy forever. As long as you take breath, there is still hope. As I said to you at our visit; you can at some point, either in this life if you obtain again your freedom, or during the millennium, be re-baptized and have your priesthood with all of its attendant blessings, restored to you. You can still have your family forever. The things that are wrong in this life can be made right in the next (because you at one time did the right things—ie, received your temple blessings) but there will undoubtedly be much healing and forgiving that will have to take place in time and in eternity. But please carry this hope with you.
I know that you can do what you need to do to change. Even in the place you must now call home. Pray for your children Son, and be specific. They need your prayers. There is a lot on your head that you are responsible for—so much only you can fix. You must now become the pleading parent, pleading with your Savior to fix the mistakes you have made. He will be your advocate with the Father and plead your case to Him. I know this. I made mistakes too and he is softening the hearts of my children little by little. He will help your children too. We can only do what we can do, and you can’t do much: but the Savior can do anything and he will, I promise. “Ask and ye shall receive.”
When you write to Tuesday let him know that you are paying for your sins and that you want him to be good and live a good life and not grieve for you. You must release him from the responsibility of thinking that he can’t be happy because you are so miserable. You need to let him know that you are happy (even if your not) so that he can move on with his life and be happy. You have to tell him not to be angry or hate the people who love him and can help him. Son, your son needs your help desperately. You have a multi-faceted mission to fulfill now. You must help your family become healthy again all the while you are fixing yourself.
Now here’s your mom’s final bit of counsel. Try try try to find the blessing in this great trial in your life. Sit down and evaluate the good that can come out of all of this hell if you’ll lend yourself to it. Make a list of the possible good. (You once said to your brother that perhaps you have a mission to bring others to the truth) You are the master of your attitude. Try to be positive—positive repels negativity. Instead of saying “woe is me” start affirming that “this was of my doing so what can I do now to make it right?” Angels will assist you in this quest, I promise you that, son. (Though you most likely won’t be able to see them—a truly repentant heart is always attended by the ministry of angels)
Well son, all long letters must at some time come to a close and I have been at this one for 4 hours. You did, however give your parents license to ramble and ramble I have.
I love you, never doubt that. I want only what is best for you and there has never been any thought in my heart or mind that you are getting just what you deserve. My heart continues to ache that you must have this lesson at all. Be patient, consider the things I have said to you as coming from my heart with the best of intentions. Love Mom
momofaninmateson 