3-27-2010 Journal Entry
“Mom sent me a letter that arrived yesterday. It was a strong letter which left me with mixed feelings. She listed her opinions about my situation, as to if it is “right” or needful for me to be here. I don’t think she understands that I actually believe that I deserve to be punished and that I accept the need for me to be “humbled” to a point where I can give up myself and look to God completely, not conditionally as I have in the past.
She seems to believe that I am attempting to convince myself that this whole situation is unneeded and unfair. Try as I might, I can’t seem to get her to understand much of anything that I feel or think about things. It’s as though she’s made up her mind and no amount of reasoning or logic that does not add up to her “beliefs” are even understandable (let alone possibly correct).
This makes communication with her a real struggle; but given that she is the only one who writes me with any consistency, I have no choice but to try. I just feel that the more I try, the more I give her to misunderstand. It’s very frustrating.
One thing she sent me along with her letter was a lesson on the need of keeping a physical and spiritual health balance. The article was very good; very insightful and worth reading more than once—which I will do as I re-read mom’s letter in preparation of reply. It rather accurately shows the path of spiritual decay if a person exercises only their physical needs; offering a—typical of Mormon lessons—logical platform of proof that I can accept. My only contention with it being that it seemed to express mental disorders as being the result of this imbalance rather than the possible cause of the imbalance. This I cannot accept as my issues—and those of many people with mental issues—predates baptism—let alone puberty—so how can my own imbalance of physical verses spiritual have caused it?
Mom is still lamenting her failures as a mother as being the root (or close to anyway) of my errors. Is it so much easier to look for some personal error then to allow the possibility of a biological failure? How can I get her to understand that she’s wrong and right? I think it’s just too deep a concept for my mom. Her mind rebels, just like a child rebels against a hated food.
I’ve been haunted about Grace again this evening. I know that as time passes, my feelings will dull and I will come to grips with being replaced. I worry about her choices. I can’t imagine how I would feel if she fell in love with a great guy. It’s something I wish I could find out though (given there is no chance of our reconciliation).
I dreamt about the little ones last night. It was a nice dream, though I only remember just before I woke up. Friday and Saturday were blowing me raspberries. I woke up smiling. (happy face)
3-28-2010 Journal Entry
“Not much to say for the weekend. I waited up until 2:30pm for my brother’s visit but he didn’t show up. I hope it was just a schedule issue or a communication breakdown rather than something bad.
I’ve been attempting to write a reply to mom and am finding it to be extremely difficult. I am afraid that, given our communication issues, she and I will never be able to discuss my thoughts, feelings, worries and fears. I feel that without such an exchange though; there is really very little for us to discuss. Our convo’s are bound to become as stagnant as those between my brother and I at his visitations; a thought I find rather depressing, but I don’t know how to avoid it.”
momofaninmateson 