4-8-2010 Journal Entry
“Today my attorney came with Mr. DA’s most current offer. It includes changing one of the of the charges with another (and a bunch of other stuff difficult to describe here) which would result in—if I have the numbers right—something like 280 months which is 24 years. We would argue to have them run concurrent which could change it to about 15 years. But since one of the charges is something I didn’t do, I have no choice but to continue to fight. I have countered with 2 of the charges which at worse could be 10 years, and as little as 3, depending on how the judge sentences it. I wish this wasn’t coming down to me against Monday, but it’s starting to look like it will be. I really wish there was a way to find out how she felt about all this. Grace is irrelevant; her hate is what it is; but Monday is the enigma. I can’t believe that my family hasn’t realized that it’s this very uncertainty that has me willing to fight. I believe in Monday’s love and forgiveness—I believe that she will fight for me. Now if only I could find out.”
4-9-2010 Journal Entry
“I am an emotional wreck today and the day has just started. Mom hasn’t written me in 2 weeks—given how that affected me the last time, I can’t see her ignoring me again unless she’s given up on me. Everyone has given up on me I think. But that may be for the best; if no one loves me, it’s a lot easier for me to fight for myself, since I have no one left to disappoint.
I am tired of being the sacrificial lamb—true, I did something evil, but I am not the only guilty party here. Grace knew from the start, and by god I am taking her with me! The kids will be better off in the care of family than her anyway!!! Bleh! I can’t think straight. The most frustrating thing about all this is that I am stuck here, unable to communicate, and that crazy, manipulative *expletive* is out there running the show!
Oh God! Why did you allow me to take my first breath? Why did you allow me life when I was destined to destroy everything I loved? Why did I have to be born so handicapped and cursed? How did I fail you, Oh God, that your vengeance on me cursed me from the very womb? BLEH!!
(pm) I am still suffering from self doubt and existential issues. At what point do I realize that hurting myself for my families sake proves only that I am the only one who really loves my family. And if that’s the case, why should I care to save their feelings if they don’t care to save my life?”
4-10-2010 Journal Entry
“Part of the problem of living in here is how slow time moves. Due to this, it seems like long periods of time go by when, in the real world, it’s not really that long. I have been here for 5 ½ months, but it seems so much longer. In that time the real world is going past so much faster and they just don’t understand how I can get to where I am so fast.
It appears that Grace told Tuesday that my hair has gone all “snow white”. I wonder if she see’s this as a sign of my state of mind? I still can’t accept that she hates me as much as she acts like she does.
I have less than a week to respond to the DA, and can’t make a decision because I can’t get any advice. I wonder why Grace doesn’t want Monday to talk to me. Maybe Monday would tell me not to give up”
momofaninmateson 