10-04-2010 Letter to Mom and Dad
Tomorrow is Sunday’s birthday. Last week was Saturdays…I’ve missed all of their birthdays. Isn’t it fitting that the first and last are a week apart.
You may get the impression that I am blue…it is a fact. My heart is breaking for the loss of my family and for the knowledge that this single year—which has crawled by so slowly for me—represents just 1 of 18 (at least) to go through.
I had my one-on-one interview with the mental department yesterday. She asked me several questions about my upbringing; my adult life, my marriage, my crime, etc. I felt it went well and I hope so, as she makes recommendations about my placement and what kinds of treatment I may need—programs, groups, shock treatment (just kidding mom!) etc. But also, things she says can affect long term stuff like civil commitment.
After leaving, I realized (much to my horror) that I think she might be the same woman as did my DCCCS interview way back in (I think) January, and she was not very favorable, though I had thought then (also) that it had gone well.
I’ve thought a lot about the writings you have collected of mine. Mom, I hope you bear in mind as/if you read my “unsent letters”—and journal—that (especially with the letters) I didn’t send them because I re-read them and saw them as crazy, mean, hateful, manipulative, spiteful, etc., but felt they would serve me later as a “barometer” of my mental state; so I kept them. Please try not to judge me too harsh.
On a comical note, I glanced out of my cell at the guard post and am made to feel safer by the presence of a guard who might be too old to be a greeter at Wal-mart! Lord help us if ever there is a riot!
(Later Monday) I got my first ever letter from Grace (well, not including the two she sent that I never got—or so I assume—were they in my property? Did you read them? I assume they are very cleverly hateful). It’s a real masterwork of undisguised hate (I’ve sent it along as I don’t want it near me; but know better than to destroy anything anymore). As I am sure you can understand, if I wasn’t blue when I wrote earlier, I am truly sad now. No, not because she’s “moving on” and doesn’t need me. But it hurts how she feels so needy to take my kids from me.
(Grace’s letter to follow as next entry). Since I can’t write to her, either legally (so long as Monday lives there) or emotionally, I would like to say that I hope she is happy; that he is good to her and may God have mercy on that man!
Mom, what possesses a women to be so hateful?—Oh no! In hind site, I think my letters to my siblings may have been this hateful. I must amend that. When you talk to my sibs, tell them that I’ve been taught what pain can derive from a petty mean spirit and that I am sorry to them for it! I don’t have many envelopes so I will send additional letters with this one. I love you mom and dad and look forward to your next letter…(Please feel free to share Grace’s letter with all)
Your Son
9-28-2010 Letter from Grace
“I wanted to tell you before you heard from anyone else. I have met a wonderful man and it is serious. He loves me and I him. We have a mutual respect for each other and neither of us want to get in between the other’s relationship with our respective family/children. We care for each others wants and needs out of love, not obligation.
He loves me for who I am, and doesn’t want me to change anything. He is fully supportive of me in anything I want to do. He understands my dreams and goals for myself and my children.
He is nothing like you. Family comes before anything else. He knows that I am not looking for someone to support me and my kids, but a companion to share our lives with. No, there are no wedding plans (not for at least a year) but we have made a promise of commitment to each other. He makes more money than we will ever need and right now he is spoiling me with dinner dates on the beach, or at his private lake front house. He wants me to see how special I am and that, not all men are hurtful.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I am moving forward with my life. I am not going to let our past hurt my future.
I forgive you…. I don’t hate you anymore. But I will always and forever hate what you did to my babies and what you did to me.
Forget about me now. Me and my kids will be just fine. We don’t need you.
Grace
P.S. Today is Saturday’s 2nd birthday.
(Editors Note: At the time of this post, this couple are no longer an item. That relationship was short in its duration and there have been several more men since him who have come and long since gone. Grace may or may not be in another relationship at this time but I have no knowledge of that)
momofaninmateson 