3-18-2011 Letter from Mom
My Dear Son, It made me so happy to hold your most recent letter in my hands and know that you had recently labored over those pages to bring me a measure of joy. I’m glad we both feel the same about e-mail—convenient yes but not as personal. I’m having the best relationship with you that I can ever remember having since you were a child. Thank you for wanting to be close.
I can only imagine that everyday for the past few days you have been looking forward to letter call so that you can get your letter from mom—and I think I can imagine the disappointment when it doesn’t come for a whole week since you sent yours. I know how you feel because the same thing happened for me last week when I kept going to the mailbox and no letter for me from you. See how dependent we’re both getting?
I can tell from your letters that you have a lot going on there and I’m so happy about that.
I did get your letters off to the appellate attorney and the Judge, all sent out at the beginning of this week. I’m anxious to see if the Judge will write a return letter to me.
I don’t know at this point whether Tuesday ever sent his letter to you. His aunt doesn’t push him on anything—insists that it must be his idea. I did send her the open family letter so that she could share that with Tuesday. I never thought of putting it on Facebook because, frankly—I don’t use Facebook all that much. But I will send your open letter to all your siblings and I think your sister-in-law would be very happy to put it out on Facebook. So I will get right on that. And I did send a copy of it to the Judge.
Now, before I get to your letter dated 3/1/11, let me just cover a few notes that I jotted down that I wanted to share with you. \
I got a text from Grace on Friday, after the Japan earthquake (9.0 on Rictor Scale) to say that they were being evacuated to higher ground with the possible tsunami prediction; she texted later that night to say that all was clear and they were returning home. I haven’t heard from her since.
You mentioned your cellie in an earlier letter—talking about how you were finding it necessary to ignore him while you are trying to write. I really don’t understand why it is that some people never learned manners. I always think to myself that people that act like that are doing it on purpose (passive aggressively) because they couldn’t possibly be that thoughtless; could they? However, I have learned that some people just need more attention than others and the “golden rule” would teach us to have empathy for those who are needy. We never know what it is that we are supposed to be teaching them (if they are, in fact, teachable) and the act of giving them that attention is service in itself and you know how Father feels about our giving of service. Remember, some people are just plain thoughtless and others are just plain contriving.
I will now get to your letter dated 3-1-11 As I read the first page of your letter, I never cease to be amazed at how much you have grown. And your writing abilities do certainly surpass mine. I feel so inadequate as a writer—where in the world did you get your talents? I’ve already saved two of the paragraphs on that first page. They touched my heart so much—where you talked about when you are truly prepared to live for no other purpose then to undo the damage you’ve done and there is no backslide left in you, then Heavenly Father will let you come home. I believe that is true son. And you will need to have much patience with yourself for such changes take time. You talked about not being a “good man” or “father” but I disagree. You are a good man; unfortunately you have given in to the “natural man” that is the plight of all mankind and you let that man rule you. Your sister-in-law told me just the other day that she has always seen the good in you—it is there; you just have not always acted on your inherent goodness. As far as father, you could have always been kind and gentle—your children would have responded to that; control was something that you added for who knows what reason. You were an unhappy man and I believe you took a lot of that unhappiness out on your kids. I want you to stop and think and write about all the good things about your fathering. I saw it in you so many times—I only wished that it would have been consistent. But then I wish that of myself too. You say that I was a good mother but I can remember many of the times that I didn’t handle situations with my children correctly. Oh, how I wish I could go back and change the past. But do I think of myself as not a good woman or mother. I try not to and I would ask you to do the same. None of us can go back and change the past—we can only go forward and change the future. And I believe in my heart that your future will be good—once you have learned all that you need to learn now.
You did ask me in your 3-1 letter why it was that I wrote that I wanted to hug your pain away. What I was referring to was the very end of your 2-22 letter where you talked about having no contact from any LDS volunteers or received any materials and that you broke down in tears while giving the prayer and “begged God to remind ‘them’ that we are here and we are in need of them. I am so terrified that we have fallen into a crack, or worse, that as non-members of the worst character, they just don’t care.” That made me cry for you and I just wanted to hug away your pain. I am glad to hear that you are “remarkably content in my new situation”. However, time-off or not, I cannot believe that you wouldn’t rather be on the outside, working and living and loving as a free man.
Following along in your letter—your younger brother is the next to comment on. He is doing very good with his AA/NA program. He has been sober for over 6 months and, yes, he was thrilled to have us there when he got his 6 month chip. He has a Las Vegas court date next month for his transgression in that Clark Co. barroom. He’s really worried about the final outcome but I said to him, “Son, I will pray that you don’t have to go to jail, but, I will also pray that Heavenly Father’s will be done. If you have to go to jail, it will be because you have some things to learn that you might only be able to learn in jail. You will have to be a man and take your medicine and learn your lesson.” He said to me that he couldn’t possibly imagine what he could learn in jail and I told him that he need look no further than to his brother for an answer to that question. I think son, it’s time for you to tell him about your growth and your spiritual walk to find truth. I think he needs to hear these things. Even if he pushes it away now, a seed might be planted that could grow right when it is needed. Who knows?
I think that this would be a good place to end this letter for now as the next part of your letter is dated 3-4-11 and I can write again starting tomorrow. In the meantime I can get this letter out into the mail so you will have something early this week. I love you much.
3-18-2011 Journal Entry
I played some more at programming. I have done as much as I can, given limited functionality. Well, it was fun while it lasted.
Yet another guard refused to let me into the library. Since the Chaplain was not in, I couldn’t prove my right to be there…that’s ok, it just meant he ended up doing my job for me.
Now my cellie is talking again about moving out. I wish he would make up his mind. He tells me also that he put his foot down on my behalf against dudes calling me a cho-mo, telling them “wassup”. I appreciate the support. Sometimes he surprises me.
3-19-2011 Journal Entry
I am having very vivid dreams of late. The night before they were all very perverted and I woke up feeling dirty. Last night I dreamed that I had been released from prison, but I had to wait in a super long customer service line at a department before getting to go home. There was a lot of imagery I didn’t understand, and others that showed me I am still weak to my failings. But when I got home mom said “you’re only dreaming” and I woke up. I had asked Heavenly Father to show me what was in store for me. I feel He’s answered; I just don’t “get it” yet.
3-20-2011 Journal Entry
I slept until noon again. Read a lot and went in to work for a bit and then to Spanish class.
I got a letter off to my sister-in-law. Yes, I know, it took me a while. I have to admit, I have suffered some serious resentment that she wrote all about her wonderful children when mine are going to Hell in a hand basket of mine own weaving… The last several weeks have been filled with me being childish. I had to wade through that before I could respond. So I wrote to her…explaining this childish resentment and telling [her] I am sorry for it… I hope [she] will take it in the honest “12 step, apologies to those you hurt” sort of way, not as an underhanded reverse lashing that would be the hallmark of the type of person I guess I’ve been for so long.
momofaninmateson 