8-05-2010 Letter to Mom and Dad
“I tried writing you a letter on Monday but found that I couldn’t get past the emotional trauma that my actions have caused. I placed the letter in my unsent so I suppose you can read them then.
“I have a lot of fear of what is to come; only ___ days before I hear my fate. I feel that the ironic part is that to inflict the most suffering on me would be to probate me, but not allow me to interact with my kids. I know that sounds unbelievable to you, but the truth is, prison will insulate me from the pain of loss. The more time I am here the less the outside is real. Add to that the fact that I am insulated from financial responsibility (and if I do 20 years I may not have to pay it back either) I feel that over time, I will feel less pain of loss (though, if the court is intent on physically punishing me: prison should do the trick-let’s just hope I come back).
On the other hand, if I were probated, I would know everyday that I am missing my family and that my only real use is to support them. “Hell is to know what you could have had and not achieved.”
“Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you could change one choice? I’ve thought so many times that my life would be so much better had I never met Grace, but my heart breaks at the loss of my kids. I just can’t regret either marriage because I love each one so very much! How does that woman always get what I want without ever doing anything to deserve it!?”
8-06-2010 Letter Entry
“This is my third attempt to write you a letter since seeing you on Sunday. So far, all attempts have turned into mostly unreadable rants…You know how good I am at those. So I am trying again.
I have to tell you that the path my family has taken in my absence has sent me into such a funk that I must draw further away from “real life” to insulate myself from it. Isn’t that ironic. I am insulated from the painful result of my actions by being in a place intended to punish me for my actions. I was in deeper pain in my little apartment than I am now. Given the human mind to adapt; I wonder what I will be like in 10-21 years when I get out? One thing is sure; much longer without contact with my kids and I fear they will stop existing just to protect my sanity. I can’t tell if that made sense.
So, I am curious. Did Sunday stay or does she plan to go back to (my state) now that she doesn’t have custody of her son? If she still loved her daddy, he might have some advice; like reminding her of her goals; her potential; and her amazing abilities. But now she will just hear “Blah, blah, blah” while thinking how everything I say is wrong because I am scum.
I do hope that Monday is doing more then just enabling her mother. Is she working? Is she still dancing? If you feel like it, please tell her I love her and she can write me if she wants now that the case is over. I don’t think it would be a problem.
I will write Tuesday tonight. I still don’t know if he got my last letter though. Can you ask his aunt when the last letter from me arrived.
To Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday; tell them I love them. I think of them everyday.
Would you find out for me if Grace plans on making the sentencing a circus?
“So, I am very scared about my sentencing, because, on the one hand I can’t wait to get out of this place, but on the other, I am afraid of the next place. The stories I’ve heard about life there have me scared. I am not only worried about the physical & mental abuse I face but after 10-21 years, just how human will I be? The system as it is, is not meant to rehabilitate, but to remove from society its unwanted elements. The draw-back to this is that when they get out, they have been subject to institutionalization, and a survival of the fittest lifestyle that removes any “social graces” they may have had going in. In short, our system creates hardier criminals with fewer social skills. Someone like me will have little choice but to adapt to the kill or be killed mindset to get through it…and every year I am in there, the deeper I will be. Never mind after I get out and am probate for the rest of my life. How will I work? Technology will have passed me up, and who will take on a 60 year old unskilled [fill in the blank] with a sex felony and a bad back?! Even murderers are not on probations for the rest of their lives! Ok, I am ranting again. Sorry…
Well, this time I really have no more to say. Love you! See you at my sentencing. Your son.”
momofaninmateson 
Oh god, he’s so right about how prison insulates you from having to think about the consequences. I was in for a drug crime, so it’s different in that there wasn’t a victim. But still, being in prison insulated me from the sense of lost time — and when I got out I was not prepared for how difficult it was to see what everyone else had been doing while I was gone and to see what things had changed and to realize how filled with loss and regret I was. Best of luck to your son in everything.