10-17-2010 Letter from Dad
Dear Son, I know it’s been too long since I last wrote and am repenting.
I read your last two letters again with the intent of commenting on what you had to say and just enjoyed what you said with out comment from me. I am thankful that you are being given the strength to cope with the verity of challenges you are facing. You seem to think that you are alone there and that God has forsaken you. No so! In small and profound ways Father is watching over you either for your own sake or for ours; it doesn’t matter. Just as long as you’re not in danger and mostly healthy; we are grateful and express our thanks to Father many times each day.
What is there to do there? I can’t imagine that, while in jail one just sits around and does nothing. I gather you write a lot, which is good, and read most anything you can get your hands on. But what else is there to do in jail? TV to watch? Radio to listen to? Do you get news papers?
Not much now from your brothers and sister. They have expressed a desire to write to you and so we gave them your current address with the caveat that you may be relocated and not receive there post. They are struggling with what to say and have expressed that they are so very sorry you’re where you are. Some feel guilty and are really struggling with their feelings. They don’t want to burden you with their guilt. So, our hope is that they will write you and you will write them and get a good, continuous, dialog going that will last until we all are free.
We spend a lot of time pondering what more we can do for your children. Prayer is where we receive little inspirations to call or send a note and a $10 bill.
We are very hopeful we can visit you again soon. Please let us know the minute you can receive visitors. We love you and want you to remember that we will always be there for you.
I really can’t wait to see you again. Love Dad
October 19, 2010 Letter from Mom
Dear Son, by now you have received dad’s letter. I noticed he didn’t spend much time responding to your last two letters so I thought that I would address the things in your letters of the 12th and 13th.
First thing I want to say is that your letters to your sibs were not pathetic. They were wonderful. Your older brother and his wife were so impressed when they read what you had to say. She commented on the changes happening in your heart and your brother looks forward to an ongoing correspondence with you. Perhaps you can start to develop that relationship with him that you longed to have as a kid. Your sister was looking forward to writing to you soon.
I wanted to comment on something dad said in his letter. 3 of your sibs are feeling guilt because of all of your childhood experiences together. They have expressed on occasion that they should have loved you more, been more patient with you and tried to be a better sibling. But hey, there is still all the years ahead to fix broken relationships. So love them in your letters. Don’t be critical—let the past stay in the past. Start new. You’ll feel better and so will they. Let’s all stop trying to protect ourselves and start reaching out to each other in love.
Thank you for the legend of the smiley faces. There were some that I wondered about. Now I feel that I can interpret what you’re feeling. Don’t ever stop with the faces; I love them. They make me laugh.
I’m happy to know that you look forward to my letters. I thought the other day that we have communicated more in the past year with each other than at any other time in our life. I think we’re really starting to get to know each other.
I took the liberty to read to my Bishop the section of your letter where you spoke about your feelings about heaven being closed to your pleas and also your struggle with the Book of Mormon. He was pleasantly delighted to know that you classed him with the Skousen’s, Lunds and Joseph Smiths of the church. He said that he would write to you so that letter could be coming soon. It’s good because I don’t know how to help you with this. I know what I think and feel about the situation but to some degree we have talked about it before, and while my convictions have never changed, I remember that you are not able to see things the way I do. So hopefully Bishop will have a different perspective that you might be able to grab hold of. One thing I do know for sure; the whole church stands or falls on Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon—if the book isn’t true than Joseph Smith is not who he claimed to be and there is no church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It’s as simple as that. Then we must assume that the Catholic Church is the true church as it is the oldest and claims apostolic succession from Peter the Apostle of Christ. It’s as simple as that since all of the other Christian church’s are apostates of the Catholic church. Have you ever read the book “A Marvelous Work and a Wonder”? It was written by Elder LeGrand Richards back in the 40’s and was intended to be a missionary handbook, much like our current “Preach My Gospel” manual that the missionaries use now. That book was the first book dad and I read when we joined the church and cemented my testimony of the truthfulness of the church.
Thanks for the explanation about cell life. It has to be really hard for you adjusting to this new way of life. But I think that you will be learning valuable life lessons as long as you strive to make the right choices. Remember that each one of these men are still God’s children, even though they have brought Him much pain by their actions. But there is forgiveness for most of these men (I’m not sure about pre-meditated murderers-that may be a hard one to get past) and the Savior longs to wipe away their sin through his atoning sacrifice if they will come to him in sincere repentance and humility. No, it’s not an easy thing to do, and it will seem as if the heaven is a concrete block. But trust me; God hears and knows what we need. He is watching over you, Son—he is hearing your every humble prayer and someday you will know that. But for now you must struggle—your “faith” (and if I know you at all I think that you hate that word) must be tested in the fires of adversity—and you will grow from those fires “IF” you have the desire to grow and learn and know. And only God knows if that IS the desire of your heart. If it is, then someday you will walk out of this prison hell knowing more about your Father in Heaven and His Son than you have ever imagined possible and you will be a changed man. For good, if you desire it. And if you do desire that outcome, you must never give up on your scripture study, especially the Book of Mormon (for that is the most correct book on the face of the earth—I know this for myself), you must never stop praying and you must be the best man you can possibly be, despite your circumstances. Son, you are a person of great worth, to your family, especially to your parents, but most of all to our Father. Please believe me when I tell you that. The people all around you are also of great worth and still have potential if they could only come to know that. See what you have the opportunity to do, albeit through the back door in most cases (because you won’t be able to just blurt it out to them; they’ll think you’ve lost your mind). This is why dad and I keep trying to urge you to get out of yourself, believe us when we say “You are special; you are loved—your entire family does love you—eternally we love you.” You have made a mess of a lot of things BUT it will all work itself out. You’ll see. Maybe some of it will take more time than just this life. But it will be worked out finally. Listen to me son. I had an amazing revelation the other day about just how much Father loves you. Just before we went to Utah in September, Heavenly Father told me that I needed to visit you. Now Son, you know how much I don’t like to go out of my comfort zones in life. That was a 5 ½ hour drive one way to a place that I had never been. I did not want to make that drive all by myself even though I really wanted to see you. But Father said I must go and everything would be fine. Do you think that he was urging me along because it was something that was only going to benefit me. I don’t think so. I think he knew how much you needed that visit (one look at your face and demeanor that day told the whole story) and so he pushed me out the door. Does that sound like your Father in Heaven isn’t mindful of you and your needs? I know that he hears and answers your prayers, but right now that will happen through other people. When we got back from Utah, your dad had the same urgency to visit you (your dad, the guy who hasn’t done the best job in writing to you), he could no more put off that visit given the push that he received. It was his idea; not mine—correction; I believe it was Father’s idea and your father is sensitive to that counsel. Then, right after dad came you were transferred and indicated in your next letter that it could be a long time before you could have visitors again. So Son, I know that your Heavenly Father is very aware of you. I know that he loves you very much. I only wish I could get you to know that too. Think on these things. You will never be emotionally healthy until you have a testimony deep within your heart that what I have told you is true.
I’m glad that you are getting a handle on your bowel problems. I can fully understand the situation you are faced with (the privacy thing). I don’t know how you bear this aspect of your confinement. I suppose it will become easier as time goes on. Again, I strongly urge the apple a day program. If you do that every day, you will be surprised at the ease you will experience. And you will not have runs.
I really enjoyed the part of your letter where you described the “tending of the animals” in the prison world. But if the majestic Lion continues his tame demeanor for his entire stay at the zoo, eventually the innkeepers will come to know him as a tame lion. They will trust him and as long as he doesn’t do anything to betray that trust, all should go well with that lion. What about “Aslan”. You could be that kind of lion (I know the red hair has it’s drawbacks but it sure is beautiful—wish I had red hair). You know Son, I’ve looked back through the tunnel of time and I can’t remember you ever being manipulative at home in our family. It seems to me that, if that is true, then you must have acquired that trait as a survival tool in a very manipulative marriage—that’s if you are a manipulative person; and I do remember seeing some of that going on in your relationships with Grace; but I would say I saw more manipulation on her part—especially as she interacted with me. I always felt more threatened by her power over me than with yours.
You mentioned that you thought it would be good for Sunday to join the Navy. While it sounds like a good idea, 1st off I highly doubt she would even consider it. But more importantly, I know for a fact that you must be a high school graduate to do that and she isn’t. They won’t even acknowledge a GED unless she had 2 years of college with that GED. They want people that are committed to being successful, especially if they are expecting the benefits of an educational opportunity. I know that she showed that in HS but in her mothers grip (where she is living now—don’t know what happened to the fiancée) I don’t see her moving forward at all. She is the babysitter. I do agree that Sunday is very special and has great inner power but I don’t think she sees that about herself. I haven’t talked to her since she told me that she has moved back in with mom.
Also, Monday has not called me either since she moved back to ____ but I have been thinking of giving her a call today, after school.
Now to your next letter dated 10-12. I was glad that you are now in medium security and have diversity in your daily routine. Since you’re really out of shape, take it slow. Do stretching exercises when you have the opportunity. I’m glad you have a friend you feel you can trust. Merari sounds like a helpful friend. I’m sure that it is hard to know who is trustworthy. Be careful son. I understand that friends are important in prison, but try to search their souls. You can see in their eyes who they really are. Get them to have eye contact when you communicate with them. The eyes cannot lie. You will know. That’s why you couldn’t lie to me because I looked into your eyes and I could tell. Don’t apologize Son that I wouldn’t approve of your friends. You are where you are and you need other human beings if you are to survive. All I ask is that you are careful to choose friends that have the potential for goodness within them, even if it is only deep within them. You will be able to tell. I will pray that you may. So you are in “east A” dorm. Is that something I need to remember when coming to visit? I’m grateful that you are in a safe place. I trust that Father will keep you in a safe place for my benefit as well as yours.
I am also grateful to hear that you are keeping your nose clean when it comes to possible prison bad habits. Stay that way son. You won’t regret that choice, just as you are seeing the benefits of it now pertaining to your cellie.
I was so excited to hear about the dog program. I’m looking forward to more word on this exciting news.
10/20- I received your letter today. I couldn’t help myself from reading your letter to dad even before he got to read it. How that letter brought so much joy to my heart you will never comprehend. Dad will go to work to see about remedying the situation but we both agreed that a letter from you to the Stake President of that stake may be the best way to go. In fact, if the other Mormon’s were to write, it might make a big difference.
I have been reading the CS Lewis books that your younger brother sent home to me. I’ve finished the Screwtape Letters and the Great Divorce. Isn’t CS Lewis amazing. I made quite a few notations from the Letters. A lot of wisdom in that book. I’m reading the Great Divorce to dad right now as we drive to and from places in the car. He is having some trouble understanding it, so it’s good I’ve already read it so that I can fill him in as I go along. I’m in the middle of the one where he writes his feelings about the loss of his wife. Did you ever see the movie “Shadowlands?” It’s the story of CS Lewis and his wife Joy. What a beautiful story. What are you reading these days? Are you still reading Mitchner? I read Chesapeake and really enjoyed it. Have you read “The Source” yet? That’s a good one. Is the library situation any better at this facility? You told us that in jail, the inmates used the pages mostly for passing notes. What do you watch on TV? Get any news coverage? Things are really changing in this world. Glenn Beck doesn’t give much hope for a happy future in America if things don’t drastically change. Even Rush has been sounding despondent lately. I can imagine that the world will look very much different when you walk out those doors.
Well Son, I must end this letter and get it in the mail. Of course once sent, I will think of a dozen other things to tell you. You take good care of yourself and remember that I love you always. Love Mom
momofaninmateson 